TORONTO – With the remaining Ontario schools finally open again, Premier Doug Ford is determined to ensure a safe return to the classroom – by setting up a snitch line for heathen parents who tau…
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Shovelling snow found to be number 1 cause of Canadians muttering ‘fuck this fucking shit’ over and over
OTTAWA – A new study indicates that the biggest cause of Canadians repeatedly exclaiming ‘fuck this fucking shit’ is shovelling snow. “Of all the frustrations that plague …
Ground-breaking new show features two mismatched detectives
LOS ANGELES, CA – NBC has announced the spring debut of Police Cops, which will shock and surprise television viewers by making two characters with disparate personalities solve crimes together. …
Rogers can’t fucking believe they’re the less evil telecom giant
TORONTO – The Board of Rogers Communications Inc. expressed disbelief this morning that they’ve become the ‘good one’ of Canada’s two telecom giants. “I don…
Boris Johnson holds emergency press conference to remind everyone his hair still looks like that
LONDON – UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson held an urgent press conference this morning to inform those who didn’t already know that his hair still looks like an old hay mop that’s missing so…
Man still in jail for weed congratulates Marco Muzzo on getting parole for killing 4
Toronto East Detention Centre – Inmate Miles Brown, who has been incarcerated for several years for selling marijuana before that was the government’s job, said he was happy for Marco Muzzo…
PEI Premier declares self Invincible God-King of the Maritimes just to get in the news
Dennistown, PEI – “Behold, I am the mighty son of Poseidon!” Premier Dennis King announced today. “And I shall rule the Maritimes for a thousand glorious years!” Staffers have informed the press …
Local waiter can’t wait to be killed by his favourite NHL Player
TORONTO – With the NHL’s all-Canadian North Division being given permission to dine indoors in certain Ontario restaurants, local Mack Blastor’s server Tom Kramer says he is thrilled …
Ford: Thousands more COVID Cases worth it for chance to partially re-open economy for a couple months before shutting down again
TORONTO – One day after announcing plans to partially re-open the province despite the fact new cases remain over 1000 a day, Premier Doug Ford says the risk is worth it for the chance to h…
Overrated Super Bowl quarterbacks haven’t even won a single Grey Cup
TAMPA BAY, FL – This year’s so-called “Super” Bowl will feature Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes, two quarterbacks who are somehow considered elite talents despite having never once competed for the…
