EDMONTON, AB – Local interior designer Rebecca McCallops has found a new lease on her otherwise humdrum life by veering wildly between bouts of depression and anxiety. “I was in a really he…
Tag: depression
Online persona successfully hides crippling depression
TORONTO – We are happy to report that your online persona has successfully hidden your crippling depression from your followers across social media. By portraying a heavily curated version …
Houseplant overwhelmed by task of brightening bachelor apartment
HAMILTON – A lone succulent is said to be overwhelmed with the task of brightening 28-year-old Gavin Isaac’s bachelor apartment. The nine-dollar plant was purchased yesterday from the…
Local man relieved COVID symptoms actually just depression
CALGARY, AB – After displaying numerous symptoms of COVID-19, local accounts manager Bryan Gramble has reported feeling a wave of relief upon discovering all of the symptoms were actually r…
Chef Boyardee rebrands to “Depression Chow”
MILTON, PA – The popular meal-adjacent product Chef Boyardee has announced its plan to simply rebrand to “Depression Chow.” Marketing director Joshua Alden explained that the change coincid…
Sad man finds new favourite flavour of chips
WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being, Jordan Wright, 34, has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips. “Oh God…
Report: man who flossed two nights in a row finally has gotten life back together
CALGARY – In a big win, 32-year-old Dave Frescos has finally managed to gather the internal strength necessary to floss for two nights in a row after weeks quarantined alone in a basement a…
Woman announces rebrand of crippling depression naps to sad time siestas
HAMILTON, ON – In an effort to escape the exhaustive emotional weight and mental strain of her current life Emilia Ruthen is taking charge like a #bossbabe and rebranding her 2-17 hour depression…
Out of work giant rubber duck tragically deflates self with heroin needle
TORONTO – After weeks of unemployment following the Canada 150 celebrations, the giant rubber duck that was a star attraction has tragically deflated itself while trying to shoot heroin. “I…
Local man manages to get in a quick 15 minute existential crisis before work everyday
MONTREAL – Saying it keeps him feeling fresh and alert, local man David Oberto has spent the last year doing high-intensity existential crisis before heading out to his job each morning. “I…