KINGSTON – A group of Queen’s University students are setting the record straight declaring that their campus-wide outbreak of COVID-19 will be way better than the University of Western Ont…
Tag: COVID
Premier Ford outraged federal government not doing his job
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford expressed his frustration and outrage that the federal government is not doing his job. “622 people were caught by provincial and municipal police forces breakin…
Parents no longer consoling kids with: ‘it’s not the end of the world’
TORONTO – Parents across the planet have been racking their brains for new ways to calm their distressed children after realizing that the commonly used phrase: “it’s not the end of the world” no…
LOOPHOLE ALERT! This woman extended her COVID benefits by animorphing into an oil and gas company
CALGARY – A local theatre usher laid off during the beginning weeks of the COVID has discovered a new, exciting loophole to extend her vital pandemic benefits: animorphing into an oil and g…
Ontario Ministry of Education promises new math curriculum will help students calculate their chances of survival
TORONTO — As schools prepare to reopen for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic began, the Ontario Ministry of Education has assured students and teachers that the newly revised math curric…
Local man fondly recalls early days of pandemic
Dartmouth, NS – 6 months in, local man Jackson Martin has been reduced to looking back with nostalgia at the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. “Remember back in March when we were …
550 Toronto men tell wives they are getting COVID tests “for no particular reason”
TORONTO – Following a Toronto Public Health advisory stating that an employee at the Brass Rail strip club tested positive for COVID-19, 550 men have informed their wives that they have bee…
Putin assures world COVID-19 vaccine has been rigorously tested on political opponents
MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the successful development of the world’s first COVID-19 vaccine, which was rigorously tested on his political opponents and journali…
Man sure for the sixth time this summer that his hangover is COVID
London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar…
Doug Ford pleads with own reflection to let him lower class sizes
TORONTO – After saying that if it was up to him he’d keep class sizes at 5 kids due to the COVID pandemic, Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted pleading with his reflection to let him lowe…
