TORONTO – Governments from across Canada and around the world have been anxiously awaiting predictive modelling that will give an educated guess of when they can resume gutting the public h…
Tag: covid-19
Comedy community rallies to create online show that people will also not watch
SKYPE – In a heartwarming story of determination, the local comedy community has rallied together to create an online show that people will also not watch. “I just started thinking of all t…
Disney World employee just now realizing he forgot to put food down for Goofy before he locked up
ORLANDO, FL – A Disney World employee is in hot water after realizing he locked up for quarantine without leaving food down for Goofy. “Bob (Chapek, fmr. Director of Disney Parks) had creat…
Trudeau tides over nation’s sexually frustrated aunts by saying ‘moistly’
OTTAWA – During his daily COVID-19 press briefing, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau urged Canadians to wear a mask when talking to others since it prevents them from “breathing or speaking moi…
Government rejects universal basic income in favour of 3 minutes inside money booth
OTTAWA – The Canadian federal government has dismissed calls for the creation of a universal basic income as a response to the vast unemployment and economic upheaval caused by COVID-19, an…
Health Canada implements new rule that customers can only leave grocery stores with as much food as they can fit in their cheeks
OTTAWA – Amid widescale reports of hoarding and empty store shelves, the Federal Government has mandated that all grocery store customers can only purchase as much food as they can store in their…
Chris Hadfield really milking this “I’ve been to space” thing
TORONTO — Former astronaut and current public figure Chris Hadfield has once again found a way to shoehorn the fact that he spent 166 days outside of the Earth’s atmosphere into the p…
Local man damned if he’s going to let self isolation motivate him to exercise
VANCOUVER — Local sales manager Brett Thomas has stated in no uncertain terms that he’s damned if he’s going to let his self isolation and time away from work motivate him to exercise. “I underst…
“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board
To our devoted readers, hello, bonjour. We, at the Beaverton, can’t decide what’s worse: being inundated daily by negative news or instagram live notifications. Trust us – we are just as ti…
Conservative Party submits Doug Ford for tests, fearing he may have contracted socialism
Toronto, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has been submitted for extensive testing today after Conservative Party Executives expressed that he was beginning to exhibit symptoms of socialism. …
