OTTAWA, ON – Pet cats across the country are reporting curiosity as to when the shit you are going back to your job every day. “I’ve been more than accommodating,” said Tigger, an asian sem…
Tag: Coronavirus
Local teen grounds parents for sneaking out of the house
Sherbrooke, QC – Local teenager, Jeremy Powers, has grounded his parents for continuously leaving the house and not heeding Public Health’s warning to self isolate. “I’m at the end of my wi…
Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day
Kelowna, BC – Local man and absolute lunatic George Black says that, despite literally everything happening right now, he still intends to go all out for April Fool’s Day. “I know people ar…
Democratic primary candidates find common ground in being high risk for coronavirus
WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies, but they can agree on at least one thing: if they were to contract coro…
COVID-19 pandemic reveals Mayor of Flavortown to be most competent US politician
CHICAGO – In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Guy Fieri and the National Restaurant Association Education Foundation have launched the Restaurant Employee Relief Fund with a one-time gran…
Government classifies ‘dat ass’ as an essential service
OTTAWA – Following weeks of public confusion, the federal government of Canada has finally declared that ‘dat ass’ is an essential service which must continue despite the coronavirus pandem…
Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching” only social contact in days
CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week, single-person households across the country report Netflix’s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so, s…
Local badass only washes hands for 15 seconds
VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time, a full 5 seconds …
Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail
CANADA — As the COVID-19 situation finds many Canadians working from home for the first time, the overwhelming majority report discovering that their entire job description could normally b…
Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick
WILMINGTON, DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden’s limited presence in the public eye, a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constitue…
