CN: Train drivers just too ahead of the curve for old fashioned tracks
CALGARY – CN has declared that the recent spate of train derailments stem from the overtraining and high talent level of the drivers. “Part of the problem is our train conductors are …
NHL bans concussions
TORONTO – In response to the number of severe head injuries professional hockey players have suffered in recent years, the National Hockey League has banned all players from getting concuss…
Middle-aged white guys economic champions for the 1153rd consecutive year
WASHINGTON – The IMF has released its annual economic winners and losers list and the reigning champions, the middle-aged white male demographic, have topped the list for the 1153rd year in…
Mayor Ford officially ruins sex
TORONTO – Embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford ruined intercourse for thousands of Torontonians today when he implanted the image of him passionately engaging in cunnilingus in their minds fore…
Local knob peruses entire craft beer menu before choosing same thing as companion
WINNIPEG – After exhaustively skimming the entire craft beer menu at neighborhood bar the Wheat Sheaf, 31-year-old jagoff Craig Benson eventually ordered the exact same beverage as his companion …
Update: That Chinese couple is not talking about you
YOUR LOCATION – Contrary to popular opinion, the Chinese couple you see speaking to each other in restaurants, grocery stores, and on the bus are not, in fact, gossiping about you. In all l…
Yukon College: University Reviews 2013
Name: Yukon College Nickname: That Place Out by Mountain View Drive Where You Can At Least Hide From The Wolves For A Couple Of Hours Motto: “Do you think the wolves have moved on yet?” History: …
NSA Scandal: Angela Merkel disappointed wiretaps didn’t teach Americans how to run an economy
BERLIN – When Angela Merkel learned that the NSA was listening to her phone calls, she wasn’t upset by American spying and lying, she was incensed by President Obama’s failure to glean any …
York University: University Reviews 2013
Name: York University Nickname: Ol’ U of TTC Motto: “The Detroit of Universities” History: Founded in 1959 by a group of zoning fetishists who wanted a university that was located in Toronto in o…
Oscar in memoriam race heats up
Beaverton Flogger (film blogger) Mickey Dinke has all the latest deets on the celebri-deaths making waves in 2013 It’s that time of year. The weather is turning, Oscar Season is upon us, and elde…
