Throne Speech: 8 things Canadians can expect
OTTAWA – The Harper government will resume parliament with a Speech from the Throne today. Here are what Canadians can expect: 1. Reduced roaming charges for robo-calls made from cell phone…
Montreal construction industry eagerly awaits election of next employee
MONTREAL – Municipal election season is hiring season for construction firms in Montreal, coincidentally. “It’s been a rough summer for us,” said SNC Lavalin CEO Robert G Card. “A lot of ou…
Rick Springfield arrested for stalking Jessie’s Girl
LOS ANGELES — Rick Springfield was arrested this week for violating the terms of a restraining order against the woman known only as ‘Jessie’s Girl.’ Few knew the 1980s ro…
PROROGATION UPDATE: Harper thanks republicans for making him look so polite
OTTAWA – Taking some time out of his not-so-busy prorogation schedule yesterday, Prime Minister Stephen Harper wrote a letter to John Boehner and the Republican caucus thanking them for mak…
Local man suffers devastating loss of erection after girlfriend explains Zodiac compatibility
Cornwall, ON – The burgeoning relationship between Monica Carlstrom and Brent Sherway has been progressing steadily until 8 pm last night when tragedy struck. The couple was about to become intim…
Physicists discover black hole in social life
TORONTO – After spending years in virtual isolation from the outside world, a team of astrophysicists at the University of Toronto have confirmed the existence of a supermassive black hole at the…
Canadian navy warship contributes to drug bust by not sinking
HALIFAX – HMCS Preserver made the difference in a cocaine bust in the Caribbean Sea by staying afloat earlier this week. “The Royal Canadian Navy demonstrated professionalism and hard work …
Canadians pretending to have read Alice Munro in massive numbers
OTTAWA — With the news that Alice Munro has won the Nobel Prize for literature, Canadians from coast to coast are now pretending to have read her collected works in record figures. ‘The Vie…
Putin celebrates Nobel Peace Prize nomination by eating the hearts of his enemies
RUSSIA – Russian president Vladmir Putin’s peacekeeping efforts earned him a Nobel Prize nomination last week, prompting a presidential celebration that left six Chechnyan rebel leaders dea…
The Tea Party won’t back down until someone tells them what they are fighting for
WASHINGTON – Members of the Tea Party Caucus have informed Americans that they will not vote to end the government shut down until it is made absolutely clear to them what exactly they are being …
