NRA concerned about rise in knife-related violence in schools
WASHINGTON – The National Rifle Association is raising the alarm about knife-related violence in the American school system after a recent knife attack at a Pennsylvania high school. “We ar…
Road accidents spike following release of Jumanji: Travel Edition
NORTH AMERICA – The continent’s highways erupted in chaos today when thousands of elephants, rhinos, and giant spiders suddenly appeared in events related to the new popular travel ve…
Study finds that people in glass houses shouldn’t do a lot of things
VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has found that throwing stones is one of the “last things” that people in glass houses should worry about doing. “Our researc…
Unprepared surgeon just going to ‘wing it’
VANCOUVER – In lieu of doing proper preparation for a complicated surgery scheduled this afternoon, neurosurgeon Dr. James Rutherford, a recent graduate from UBC’s Faculty of Medicine, has …
Marois becomes first Quebecer to lose their job over PQ’s Charter of Values
MONTREAL – Former premier Pauline Marois has become Quebec’s first public-sector employee to lose their job over the Parti Quebecois’ proposed Charter of Values, following the Liberal party’s blo…
McDonald’s introduces the McMigrant worker
VICTORIA – Fast food chain McDonald’s unveiled its new line of workers called the McMigrant on Monday. “Canadians are familiar with our minimum wage labour jobs that are usually occupied by…
PQ: Students weren’t trying to steal election, we just ran out of code words for Jews
MONTREAL – Parti Quebecois leader Pauline Marois conceded yesterday that her party really only accused students of trying to steal Monday’s provincial election because they’d run out of new euphe…
Cell phones keep getting oilier and oilier but nation doesn’t know what to do about it
CANADA – Despite the fact that their cell phones have become obviously unhygienic, the nation is too paralyzed by ignorance to take steps to clean them. “I don’t have greasy skin or hair, s…
Local man pretty sure fiancée’s middle name either Helen or Maureen
BURLINGTON, ON – Local man Stephen Saroyan was put on the spot last week when trying to order wedding invitations while unsure of his fiancée’s middle name. “I think she mentioned it once o…
G8 meetings a ‘lot less fun’ without Putin
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – Following the suspension of Russian President Vladimir Putin from the Group of Eight, meetings between the world leaders have become “stiff”, “overly business-like”, and…
