HitchBOT wanted for several murders on Trans-Canada highway

WINNIPEG – The RCMP is looking for a hitchhiking robot believed to be responsible for several killings along the Trans-Canada highway from Nova Scotia to BC. HitchBOT – also known as …

Justin Trudeau autobiography spends 70 pages on hair care products

OTTAWA – With the release of Justin Trudeau’s biography just around the corner, early readers have been surprised by the Liberal leader’s honest, lengthy, and exclusive discussion of hair p…

English teacher in critical condition after splitting her infinitive

TORONTO – Lois deWitt, a Toronto-area English teacher, is in critical condition after she separated her infinitive this past week. “To  tear your infinitive, when not a trained professional…

August 9th, 1876 – Desperate Alexander Graham Bell waits all day for woman to call him back

BRANTFORD – Intrepid scientist and inventor Alexander Graham Bell has patiently waited by his newly invented electric telephone for a very critical phone call with a lady he was fraternizin…

Irish orphans used in Heritage Minute still waiting to be adopted

QUEBEC – Despite their pleas for foster parents, the Irish orphans used as actors in a popular Heritage Minute have yet to find a loving home. “We were promised a mom and dad,” said Molly J…

Marineland’s sealife now kept in tanks filled with their own tears

NIAGARA FALLS, ON – A new report from controversial amusement park, Marineland, has revealed that almost all their aquatic animals are living in their own tears. “Really, it’s j…

Report: 10% of entrants on America’s Funniest Home Videos later died from internal bleeding

HOLLYWOOD – A new report by the Film and Television Safety Institute has confirmed that, every year, 10% of the entrants on the hilarious television show America’s Funniest Home Videos have…

Tories allege Trudeau is ‘radical Islamist’ after Liberal leader buys, eats shawarma

MONTREAL — Minister of Public Safety Steve Blaney has accused Justin Trudeau of being a radical Islamist after the Liberal leader allegedly purchased, and consumed, a Middle Eastern dish kn…

Canadians stealing state secrets from China find nothing but Canadian state secrets

DANDONG, CHINA- Two married Canadian nationals accused of stealing state secrets from the Chinese government have admitted to the act of subterfuge, but have claimed that the only secrets they di…

Imperial Metals CEO: ‘I have cousin that’s good at fixing contaminated water’

POLLEY LAKE, BC – The CEO of the mining company that is responsible for contaminating several BC lakes with arsenic, lead, mercury and other heavy metals, is assuring the public that he kno…