Report: bleak reality waiting on other side of World Cup finals
BRASILIA – With the World Cup finals only hours away, the planet is slowly coming to the realization that the return to the blend of despair and panic that characterizes their ordinary, hol…
Exiled Nazis conflicted over Germany-Argentina World Cup matchup
RIO DE JANEIRO – The surviving members of Argentina’s once-extensive Nazi war criminal community find themselves torn over whom to cheer for in Sunday’s World Cup final between their adopted home…
Anti-spam legislation prompts new program to retrain penis enlargement spammers for door-to-door service
OTTAWA – Canada’s new anti-spam legislation has put thousands of penis enlargement spammers out of work, prompting a new workers’ rights group to start a campaign to retrain the…
Canadian refugee illegally obtains what she calls ‘insulin’ so she won’t ‘die’
OTTAWA – A refugee who fled a war zone has been caught illegally obtaining what she calls a ‘life-saving medication’ for a condition called ‘diabetes’ so she won’t ‘die’. Shukriya Hanan, a …
Local man dumped for Ryan Gosling .gif
TIMMINS, ON – Timmins resident, Gary Ramsey, was dumped by his girlfriend of 10 months after she found a superior partner in an animated .gif of Ryan Gosling. “Amanda [Gehry] doesn’t know w…
NSA using stored data to write coming-of-age novels
WASHINGTON – The latest shocking release from the Snowden leaks has revealed that the National Security Agency has been stealing the biographical details of American citizens for use in the…
Economic Action Plan signage most preferred insulation for homeless shanty towns
OTTAWA – After five years and more than $100 million of investments, advertisements for Canada’s Economic Action Plan have succeeded in becoming the material of choice when homeless Canadia…
Angela Merkel calls on Brazil to stop importing German goals
BELO HORIZONTE – In the wake of Germany’s 7-1 World Cup semifinal trouncing of Brazil, Angela Merkel called on Brazil to cut back on its importation of German goals. “This sort of imbalance…
Rob Ford’s sobriety coach enters rehab to work on anger issues
TORONTO – Hours after he lashed out and kicked a shirtless protester, Rob Ford’s sobriety coach Bob Marier checked himself into rehab to address his anger management issues and bad press. M…
House Republicans sue Obama for emotional distress brought on by his presidency
WASHINGTON D.C. – Leaders of the Congressional Republicans recently announced their intention to commence a lawsuit against President Barack Obama over the severe psychological harm and anx…
