Child’s wish ‘it could be Christmas today’ granted; havoc ensues

ST. JOHN’S – The entire world was thrown into chaos this week, as 6 year old Tyler Smith’s request that “I wish Christmas was already here” as he fell asleep was inexplicably and cruelly granted,…

Jian Ghomeshi not entirely turned on by Toronto Police’s handcuffs

TORONTO – After being released on bail Wednesday afternoon, sources say disgraced CBC radio personality, Jian Ghomeshi, was not as turned on by the Toronto Police handcuffs as he had expected to …

Wal-Mart declares in-store murder legal on Black Friday

BENTONVILLE, AR – Based on the success of the recent Purge film series, retail giant Walmart has announced that, on Black Friday, all crimes, including murder, that are committed in Walmart…

Grand jury investigation finds that Ferguson officer was white

FERGUSON, MI – Following an intense, months-long investigation into the police shooting of 18 year-old Michael Brown, a St. Louis county grand jury has discovered Officer Darren Wilson was …

Report: Mark Messier somewhere inside the house

North Bay, ON – Although there has been no confirmed sighting, the Cameron family are convinced that NHL legend and friendly faced Rogers spokesman Mark Messier is somewhere in their house,…

Street price of nation’s favourite drug to increase by 10 cents

WELLAND – Canada’s most addictive street drug is increasing in price by ten cents worrying many public health experts and addicts. “I get a hit at least twice a day,” said Joe Kuharchuk, a …

Global warming causes last of Dali clocks to melt

NEW YORK, NY – A wealth of statistical evidence has impelled scientists at Columbia University to blame man-made climate change on the liquefication of the final clock in Salvador Dalí’s renowned…

Bill Cosby on rape allegations: ‘Dozens and dozens of women just say the darndest things’

The star of hit 80s sitcom The Cosby Show accused of drugging and sexually assaulting a long list of women has stated that his accusers ‘say the darndest things.’ “Oh wow! Grown women just say th…

Harper signs trade agreement with Fourth Circle of Hell

HELL – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has signed a landmark trade agreement between Canada and Hell’s layer reserved for greedy, hoarding souls. The agreement was signed by Harper and Hell’s…

Charles Manson is getting married and I’m still single, even after I murdered all those people

BY DAVID ALAN RUSKIN Well ain’t that just a kick in the pants? 80 year old convicted murderer and cult leader Charles Manson – yes, that Charles Manson – is engaged to marry an attrac…