Quiz: Which of these unfinished cartons of eggnog are you?
It’s Christmas, which means it’s eggnog season! There’s so much wonderful eggnog to drink, and so little time to drink it all. Which of these unfinished cartons of eggnog are you? We simply have …
EDITORIAL: You have no fucking idea what you’re in for
By: 2017 Recently, millions of you have been posting online about how terrible 2016 has been. How mean and unfair and downright rude it has been to you. How it killed great celebrities, or was a …
Film featuring two female characters having a conversation about margarine passes the Becel Test
HOLLYWOOD – Vegetable oil advocates around the world are celebrating the release of “Two if By Sea”, which successfully passes the Becel Test with its unflinching depiction of women freely discus…
Man covered in burn marks does not understand the term “personal branding”
VICTORIA – Self-dubbed “marketing aficionado” Lester Plant is beginning to worry his friends and family, as he becomes increasingly covered in serious burns in an effort to step up his pers…
Fuck Town
New CBC show promises to be even edgier than Schitt’s Creek.…
Local man somehow always wakes up in Peterborough every time he gets blackout drunk
PETERBOROUGH, ON – After a late night spent drinking with friends and bar-hopping, Toronto man Mackenzie Phillips woke up in Peterborough yet again this morning. “Oh geez bud, the ‘borough …
Local dad wakes screaming from nightmare in which he failed to beat weekend traffic
TORONTO – Carson Evans, a local father of three, awoke last night in a cold sweat after having a nightmare in which he failed to beat cottage traffic on a Friday afternoon. “Leave… Leave at…
Snob only reads novelizations of films
REGINA, SK – Searching for authentic storytelling, local coffee shop assistant manager Shawn Brockston says he is done with mainstream Hollywood films, opting to only read the novelizations…
French Stewart casts deciding vote to expel German Stewart from Stewropean Union
BRUSSELS – Following weeks of debate and referendum, actor French Stewart has cast the decisive vote to have German Stewart removed from the European association of Stewarts known as the Stewrope…
Local family horrified to realize Jingle All The Way has become holiday tradition
KAMLOOPS – After several years, the MacPherson family have ruefully acknowledged that, at some point, they will feel compelled to watch Jingle All The Way as part of their annual holiday ce…
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