TORONTO – MRAs, Gamergate trolls and white men everywhere took to the internet this morning in an orchestrated attempt to “helpfully respond to” International Women’s Day by pointing out th…
World
Small-dicked Neo-Nazis proud they now much closer to resembling Hitler
REGINA – Neo-Nazis worldwide are rejoicing this week amid the revelation that Adolf Hitler, former genocidal Chancellor of Germany from 1933-1945, had a micro-penis. The celebrations come as a re…
Optimist sees polar ice caps as half full
Brandon, Manitoba – Noted bright-side looker Julie Chambers, 37, told reporters yesterday that she thinks it’s better to view the polar ice caps, which in recent years have been losing both…
Devil summons legion of advocates from comment threads
THE SKIES ABOVE EARTH – The devil has emerged from the depths of hell. Raising his goat’s head and speaking in the voice of a dragon earlier this week, he assembled his army of advocates, calling…
God apologizes for snakes
HEAVEN – In an unprecedented public statement earlier this week, God, the Supreme Lord and Master of the Universe, Blessed be He, issued a heartfelt apology for the creation and proliferation of …
El Chapo chooses life in jail over five more minutes with Sean Penn
VICTORIA DE DURANGO, MEX. — Fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman ended his six-month run from the law this week, when he surrendered himself to Mexican authorities on condition t…
UN sends 40,000 peacekeepers to stabilize United States
GENEVA – Following reports of sustained violence and the rise of dangerous militant and political groups, the United Nations is allocating 40,000 peacekeepers to the US in an attempt to mai…
Ben Carson calls for submarines to be stationed along entire U.S. Canadian border
LAS VEGAS – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has publicly demanded that the US-Canadian border be secured by stationing US Navy submarines along its entire stretch. “We need to de…
Beijing’s smog warnings difficult to see through smog
BEIJING — In the wake of Beijing’s first ever “Red Alert” air pollution advisory, a new poll suggests that a significant fraction of the city’s residents have been unable to see the governm…
