UNDER THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT, WASHINGTON, D.C. – After years of slumping influence over world affairs, the secretive power elite known as the Illuminati has closed dozens of mystery chambers, ro…
World
ISIS militants unwind by destroying charming little brunch place
SYRIA – After nearly three weeks straight of destroying artwork, murdering innocent civilians, and unlawfully annexing territory, ISIS soldiers Dafiq al-Adnani and Labid al-Tikriti relaxed …
Ireland votes to legalize open bar gay weddings
IRELAND – After a long fight over equality, Ireland has voted to legalize marriages between any same-sex couples that are willing to pay the tab. “Weddings are a beautiful thing,” said Iris…
Kate Middleton immediately pregnant again
LONDON – Fans of the Royal Family across the Commonwealth rejoiced this afternoon as Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, announced she was once again pregnant, just hours after the birth …
Riot photographer asks peaceful protestors to get out of his shot
BALTIMORE – Freelance photographer Erik Meiteen, known for his shots of looters in Ferguson, had a great chance to document the “shocking” and “apocalyptic” levels of violence network news …
Turkish President commemorates 100 years since absolutely nothing happened
ANKARA – President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan called a press conference yesterday to once again draw attention to how very little happened 100 years ago. “Nothing happened, not to the Armenians n…
Michael Brown memorial tree cut down in self-defense
FERGUSON, MO – Residents of Ferguson, Missouri are in shock today after a violent conflict with Michael Brown’s memorial tree lead to a justified arborcide and the removal of a plaque. “Thi…
Greece demands Iran pay 800 billion euros in reparations from Greco-Persian wars
ATHENS – Following a conveniently timed demand that Germany pay further reparations arising from its occupation of Greece during WWII, the Greek government has gone on to demand the governm…
Putin vows to personally lead the cover-up of opponent’s murder
MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin is vowing a complete and thorough cover-up into the assassination of opposition leader Boris Nemtsov using all of the Russian state security and po…
Edward Snowden sick of Vladimir Putin just wanting to hang out all the time
MOSCOW – According to sources, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is getting sick and tired of having to spend much of his day “chilling” with Russian President, Vladimir Putin. Snowden, who …
