MONTREAL – An angry mob of Montreal Canadiens fans have carried out its 10th extrajudicial hanging, burning and quartering of its fuzzy orange mascot, Youppi! Condemned as a bad-luck charm …
Sports
Kentucky Derby won by brown horsey
LOUISVILLE – The 2015 Kentucky Derby has been won by a handsome pony with a beautiful mane and soft, shiny coat. “It was magical,” said NBC analyst Randy Moss. “The horsey was so fast and f…
Connor McDavid loses draft lottery
TORONTO – On the biggest stage of his young career Connor McDavid, the most hyped hockey prospect in a decade, was unable to will the top draft pick to an actual NHL team, and he will now b…
NHL Playoff Preview 2015: Western Conference
The NHL’s Western Conference playoff action is about to heat up like a Maple Leafs player on a Florida golf course in mid-April. It’s part two of The Beaverton’s NHL Playoff Pre…
NHL Playoff Preview 2015: Eastern Conference
As teams gear up for the annual playoff battle and the Leafs gear up for their annual schvitz, its time for The Beaverton‘s experts to break down the match ups, rivalries and action that wi…
Brendan Shanahan fires himself
Toronto – Fresh off of a wave of firings including interim head coach Peter Horachek , GM Dave Nonis, and the entire front office, Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan entered a b…
Foreign friend keeps calling it ice hockey
EDMONTON – Although he reported being generally happy that his English friend Simon had come for a visit, local man Carl Terrace did wish he would stop referring to our national obsession a…
Leafs platinum ticket holder throws Armani dinner jacket onto ice
TORONTO – After spending thousands of dollars on season tickets and pre-game sushi only to see the Leafs lose again and again, local man and ACC Platinum Club member Winston Scott joined th…
Puppy Bowl rocked by accusations squeaky balls intentionally deflated
LOS ANGELES – Animal Planet executives have been inundated with accusations that the squeaky balls used during the annual Puppy Bowl were severely deflated to fit the needs of lead quarter …
Toronto Raptors donate $50,000 to struggling, underprivileged Maple Leafs
TORONTO – Following their best start in team history, the Atlantic Division leading Raptors spent yesterday donating money and resources to Toronto’s poor, needy NHL hockey team. “It feels …
