BUFFALO, NY – Auston Matthews, the Toronto Maple Leaf’s number one draft pick for the 2016 draft, has been injured while putting on his first personalized Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. “He’s …
Sports
NHL approves future site of abandoned Las Vegas arena
LAS VEGAS – Las Vegas now knows the T-Mobile Arena will be the next derelict building after NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced the city will be getting an expansion hockey team for the…
Crosby voted NHL’s most valuable non-rapist
LAS VEGAS – At the National Hockey League’s star-studded event last night, Penguins captain and Stanley Cup champion Sidney Crosby was awarded the Harold Ballard Award, given annually to th…
Euro 2016 ratings take dive after being lightly bumped by opposing ratings
FRANCE – Ratings for the 2016 UEFA European Championships took a sharp and overly dramatic drop earlier today, after receiving the slightest contact from the ratings of opposing programming…
Don Cherry’s personal support worker to host Hockey Night in Canada
TORONTO – Don Cherry’s personal care worker has learned that he will be the host of Hockey Night in Canada replacing George Stroumboulopoulos. The support worker, simply known as “Ron”, has…
Vegas NHL team excited to open for Jeff Dunham 5 nights a week
LAS VEGAS – The NHL has announced their Las Vegas expansion for the 2017-2018 season will provide an opening act for famed ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. “Yes, this team will be exclusively war…
Brazil assures world that country will be only be partly on fire by Olympics
BRASILIA – Amidst a presidential impeachment, numerous public health crises, incomplete infrastructure, and a wildfire that rages throughout the country, Brazilian officials assured the wor…
Canada gives standing O as Howe makes one last trip to the box
SASKATOON, SK – The entire nation of Canada took to its feet this week to deliver a standing ovation as Gordie Howe, better known as ‘Mr. Hockey,’ made his final trip to the box. Howe was assesse…
Montreal Grand Prix held in Toronto bike lane
TORONTO – After a last-minute change in venue, the biggest event in Canadian racing will be taking place in the bike lanes of Toronto. “Gaaah,” said Laura Yip, a local woman just trying to …
