GENEVA – A bombshell paper recently published in the Journal of Astrophysics about the age of the universe has revealed that all current estimates are based entirely on the size and composi…
Science and Technology
Nuclear technician wishes that alarm in the background would cut it out
LOCATION CLASSIFIED — 14 hours into an 18 hour shift at a nuclear missile silo, technician Jordan Summers has expressed a wish that that “dang alarm would cut it out already.” “I’m still ki…
Solar panel spill releases almost 1000000 lumens of sunlight into environment
BROOKS, AB – A large solar farm in Brooks has experienced a massive accidental spill, releasing an unprecedented amount of daylight into an area encompassing several square kilometers aroun…
Scientists glimpse beyond Beyond Meat, immediately driven insane by forbidden flavours
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia were found yammering incoherently after piercing the scientific veil and briefly seeing what lies beyond Beyond Meat. The scien…
Canadian government deeply concerned fires destroying Amazon rainforest might singe Canadian mines
OTTAWA – Following troubling reports of the massive, environmentally devastating fires currently tearing through the Amazon, the Trudeau government is expressing deep concern that the fires…
Study shows that most fathers simply long to be given the beat, boys
CLEVELAND, OH – After a comprehensive four decade long study, scientists at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame’s research wing have conclusively determined that most fathers value being given…
Advancement in field of weighted blankets allows covers to choke you slightly, call you daddy
WATERLOO, ON – At a press conference held last Thursday, weighted blanket startup Consensual Crushing announced its new line of adult bedspreads featuring the ability to choke users while e…
Scientists confirm cool teenagers can smell your fear
KINGSTON, ON – A team of scientists at Queen’s University issued a press release yesterday stating that after a harrowing study, they have officially concluded that cool teenagers can smell when …
NASA proposes bold new plan to terraform Earth
PASADENA, CA – Hoping to inspire the public, NASA announced a bold new plan today to terraform Earth, saying that one day, humanity may be able to realize the far-off, distant possibility o…
Report: Laptop tired of staying up until 3am every night
TORONTO – According to reports, Stephanie McGrath’s laptop simply can’t keep up with her late nights, most often consisting of google searches such as “Tilda Swinton how old” and Buzzfeed q…
