SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter announced today that it will be replacing the 140 character limit on tweets with a six page, double spaced format in 12 point Times New Roman font and using MLA styl…
Science and Technology
Platonic friends have same number of faces, vertices, are fucking
MONTREAL – Insisting that they’re ‘just friends’, a pair of local octahedrons share the same number of edges and interior angle degrees, and are secretly having just the nastiest sex with e…
Tesla updates cars with auto-road-rage feature
PAULO ALTO – On the heels of its revolutionary release of autopilot software for its Model S car, electric vehicle maker Tesla Motors has complemented the innovation with an auto-road-rage mode t…
Harper left wondering who let Nobel Prize winner Arthur McDonald talk to the media
KINGSTON — With Arthur McDonald’s shocking Nobel prize win, the Prime Minister of Canada was curious as to how he was able to speak with the media at all. “We have so many programs in place…
Nestlé purchases full ownership rights to Mars water
WASHINGTON, DC – The Nestlé corporation announced today that it had already purchased full ownership rights to the water flowing underneath the surface of Mars, prior to NASA’s announcement…
Facebook to add ‘talk about this in person’ button
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – On the heels of its long awaited “dislike” button, Facebook has announced plans to launch a “talk about this in person” button that will allow users to take their online …
Game maker Konami avoids bankruptcy after entering ↑↑↓↓←→←→BA
TOKYO, JAPAN – Following reports that the prominent video game publisher would cease all development on console games, the Konami game company reportedly extended their financial life by en…
Google restructuring allows company to concentrate on exploiting your private data
SAN JOSE – The move to make technology giant Google part of a larger holding company, Alphabet Inc., will allow the company to better focus on running its products as well as on abusing the perso…
Study on which brownies had weed in them inconclusive
MONCTON, NB – A report conducted earlier today on which of the brownies had weed in them has come back inconclusive after head researcher Dr. Ken Irons lost track of who ate which brownie. …
Self-driving car lead suspect in Hitchbot murder case
PHILADELPHIA, PA- Following the murder of Canadian-made robot Hitchbot, Philadelphia police have released the identity of their main suspect; Google automated car GC-8402. “We think there must ha…
