WASHINGTON, D.C. – After recent advances in radiotelemetry failed to bring that smile back to her face when she saw them, NASA scientists have discovered a new planet, in hopes that the ‘gr…
Science and Technology
Marc Garneau challenges Chris Hadfield to race to the Moon
TORONTO – In an announcement which has stunned the scientific community, Minister of Transport and retired astronaut Marc Garneau has challenged former commander of the International Space Statio…
Quantum computer able to access pornography from different universes
WATERLOO, ON – Researchers at the University of Waterloo have created a quantum computer that is able to access the internet and download pornography from parallel universes. Basic quantum …
PEI UFO actually just potato that got thrown pretty good
KENSINGTON, PEI – A recent investigation into a well-publicised UFO sighting off the coast of Prince Edward Island has confirmed it was just a potato that someone chucked a pretty good dist…
Twitter changes format to six pages double-spaced with MLA citations
SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter announced today that it will be replacing the 140 character limit on tweets with a six page, double spaced format in 12 point Times New Roman font and using MLA styl…
Platonic friends have same number of faces, vertices, are fucking
MONTREAL – Insisting that they’re ‘just friends’, a pair of local octahedrons share the same number of edges and interior angle degrees, and are secretly having just the nastiest sex with e…
Tesla updates cars with auto-road-rage feature
PAULO ALTO – On the heels of its revolutionary release of autopilot software for its Model S car, electric vehicle maker Tesla Motors has complemented the innovation with an auto-road-rage mode t…
Harper left wondering who let Nobel Prize winner Arthur McDonald talk to the media
KINGSTON — With Arthur McDonald’s shocking Nobel prize win, the Prime Minister of Canada was curious as to how he was able to speak with the media at all. “We have so many programs in place…
Nestlé purchases full ownership rights to Mars water
WASHINGTON, DC – The Nestlé corporation announced today that it had already purchased full ownership rights to the water flowing underneath the surface of Mars, prior to NASA’s announcement…
Facebook to add ‘talk about this in person’ button
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – On the heels of its long awaited “dislike” button, Facebook has announced plans to launch a “talk about this in person” button that will allow users to take their online …
