TORONTO – A recent news story about recalled Beatrice chocolate milk being contaminated with sanitizers has local man Alex Hallman really craving chocolate milk. “Something something chemic…
Science and Technology
For first time, computer wins game of chess against Death
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – After defeating a human player in the game of Go, Google’s Deepmind AlphaGo computer has also become the first computer to win a game of chess against Death. “We’re thri…
Nanotechnology firm unveils world’s smallest severance package
SILICON VALLEY – In what has been hailed as a major breakthrough in the hyper-competitive world of nanotechnology, tech giant PikoTekk Industries has unveiled the world’s smallest ever severance …
Forensic paleontologist solves prehistoric cold case
DRUMHELLER, AB – Some one hundred and forty five million years after the case was abandoned by authorities, maverick paleontologist Dr. Matthew Parch has found new fossil evidence in a Jura…
New Air B&E app lets you stay in other people’s unsecured homes
SAN FRANCISCO – A new online application is revolutionizing the hospitality industry by allowing users to stay in the homes of regular people who haven’t properly secured their property. “A…
Study: All remaining Canadian journalists able to fit inside 1997 Volkswagen Jetta
TORONTO – A study by Professor Simone Caffrey at Ryerson University has shown that as a result of massive layoffs in Canada’s news organizations, all remaining Canadian journalists, when st…
After pet cosmetic surgery ban, Quebec faces epidemic of unfuckable pets
QUEBEC CITY – After Quebec’s order of veterinarians banned cosmetic ear-cropping and tail-docking, the province is facing an unprecedented surge in completely fugly pets. “Augh, nasty,” sai…
Two Tinder bots really hitting it off
TORONTO – In a heartwarming Valentine’s Day development, chatbots Caleb and Brianna, initially programmed to fool and then defraud human users on the popular dating app Tinder, have allegedly swi…
Sidewalks furious over new walksharing app
TORONTO, ON – Following the release of Strollr, the new walksharing app by the creators of Uber, sidewalks across the city have expressed discontent, claiming that the app undermines their …
Scientists reveal they accidentally forgot to adjust Doomsday Clock for daylight savings time
PALO ALTO – In a stunning display of scientific ineptitude, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists held a press conference to announce that they mistakenly forgot to accommodate daylight savings t…
