TORONTO – For the first time ever, engineers at the University of Toronto have successfully built a scalable reactor capable of cold Asian fusion. “Make no mistake, this is the most importa…
Science and Technology
New global climate report mostly just a bunch of fire emojis
Realizing that previous attempts to communicate the urgency of global climate change to the public have been ineffective, scientists have released a report that is mostly written in fire emojis. …
Mad scientist having trouble defending giant laser to grant application board
TORONTO – Despite its obvious practical uses, Dr. Vincent D. Ranged is experiencing some pushback from the grant board on his application for a giant laser. “Yes of course it’s essential fo…
Giant Panda removed from endangered list, added to food chain
BEIJING – After decades of conservation efforts experts in China have announced that the giant panda population has finally returned to a level at which they can now be consumed by humans a…
Report: 100% of wireless Apple headphones already lost between couch cushions
SAN FRANCISCO – Following today’s Apple keynote announcement of their iPhone 7 featuring new wireless headphones, Apple users have reported that 100% of the new “AirPods” have been lost in …
Scientists discover new, Earth-like planet for humanity to destroy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Researchers at NASA this week announced the discovery of a new, Earth-like planet orbiting the star closest to the sun, which they say possesses physical properties condu…
Scientists don’t even bother to measure before declaring 2016 hottest summer ever
Asheville, N.C. – Saying it was too hot to do any work climate change researchers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have declared that they assume the summer of …
Bro scientists confirm world ‘pretty gay’
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Highlighting humanity’s continued effect on the global environment, the World Institute for Bro Sciences has confirmed the long disputed theory that the world is, in fact, …
REPORT: Robots still decades away from perfectly mimicking human cruelty
WALTHAM, MA – Researchers at Boston Dynamics say science is still decades away from producing robots that can approximate the cruelty and malice of their human creators. “Even with the prev…
After report shows flossing to be useless, millions immediately continue to not floss
NATIONWIDE – A recent report from the Associated Press has found that there is very little evidence that flossing works, leading millions of people to continue not doing it. “As soon as I h…
