FORT CHIPEWYAN, AB – An almost unthinkably deformed moose found outside of Fort Chipewyan has ‘nothing to do’ with the oil sands, industry experts say. “Sure, its skin is, uh, pretty liquif…
Science and Technology
Facebook all set to remind you of the anniversary of that Minions meme your dead aunt posted
THE INTERNET – Despite you not asking for it even once, Facebook says it’s ready and waiting to remind you of that Minions meme your now-dead aunt posted three years ago. “Remember this?” s…
Royal Ontario Museum chooses lucky 10-year-old to be its next mummy
TORONTO – After months of suspense, the Royal Ontario Museum’s golden ticket has finally been found by lucky 10-year-old Aiden Samuels, soon to be the ROM’s next mummy. “Aiden’s a really lu…
Canada to sign Great Ape Research Ban as soon as we finish the Chimpan-Zed
OTTAWA – Facing pressure from animal rights groups, science Minister Kirsty Duncan announced today that Canada will sign an international ban against scientific experimentation on great ape…
STUDY: Dolphins swearing at us constantly
NASSAU, BAHAMAS – Proving that not only do dolphins have the capacity for complex language, new research from the University of Nassau suggests that they have actually been using filthy cur…
Don Cherry’s Rock ’em Sock ’em 5 added to Doomsday Vault
Spitsbergen, Norway – The Svalbard Global Seed Vault in the remote Arctic archipelago of Spitsbergen will be adding 10 VHS copies of Don Cherry’s Rock ‘em Sock ‘em 5 to safeguard against ca…
Male injection recipients complain after becoming first humans to ever suffer side effects from birth control
Geneva, Switzerland – Following a clinical trial of an injectable male contraceptive, the male scientists and male test subjects involved have announced that they are the first human beings…
Uberpool replaces tinder as the top app to meet psychopaths
PALO ALTO – A study of Google Play and the App Store indicates that Uberpool has surpassed Tinder, Grindr, and Pokemon Go as the top app to meet local psychopaths. “Uberpool is just so much…
Local woman relieved she can stop meaning to figure out what Vine is
ST. JOHN’S – With the announcement that Twitter will shut down its popular video sharing app Vine, local woman Angela MacIsaac, 31, has expressed relief that she no longer feels obligated t…
Study: average household onto third box of Halloween candy by now
OTTAWA — A recent study at the University of Ottawa has concluded that 93% of Canadian households have already bought and eaten two boxes of candy intended for Halloween, and are working on a thi…
