TORONTO – After months of suspense, the Royal Ontario Museum’s golden ticket has finally been found by lucky 10-year-old Aiden Samuels, soon to be the ROM’s next mummy. “Aiden’s a really lu…
Science and Technology
Canada to sign Great Ape Research Ban as soon as we finish the Chimpan-Zed
OTTAWA – Facing pressure from animal rights groups, science Minister Kirsty Duncan announced today that Canada will sign an international ban against scientific experimentation on great ape…
STUDY: Dolphins swearing at us constantly
NASSAU, BAHAMAS – Proving that not only do dolphins have the capacity for complex language, new research from the University of Nassau suggests that they have actually been using filthy cur…
Don Cherry’s Rock ’em Sock ’em 5 added to Doomsday Vault
Spitsbergen, Norway – The Svalbard Global Seed Vault in the remote Arctic archipelago of Spitsbergen will be adding 10 VHS copies of Don Cherry’s Rock ‘em Sock ‘em 5 to safeguard against ca…
Male injection recipients complain after becoming first humans to ever suffer side effects from birth control
Geneva, Switzerland – Following a clinical trial of an injectable male contraceptive, the male scientists and male test subjects involved have announced that they are the first human beings…
Uberpool replaces tinder as the top app to meet psychopaths
PALO ALTO – A study of Google Play and the App Store indicates that Uberpool has surpassed Tinder, Grindr, and Pokemon Go as the top app to meet local psychopaths. “Uberpool is just so much…
Local woman relieved she can stop meaning to figure out what Vine is
ST. JOHN’S – With the announcement that Twitter will shut down its popular video sharing app Vine, local woman Angela MacIsaac, 31, has expressed relief that she no longer feels obligated t…
Study: average household onto third box of Halloween candy by now
OTTAWA — A recent study at the University of Ottawa has concluded that 93% of Canadian households have already bought and eaten two boxes of candy intended for Halloween, and are working on a thi…
Dozens injured as Nobel laureates brawl with MacArthur Fellows in Stockholm back alley
STOCKHOLM, Sweden – Just hours after being recognized for their academic and scientific achievements, the 2016 Nobel Prize Laureates engaged in a violent brawl with the 2016 MacArthur Fello…
Study: Yes you should become a DJ
KINGSTON – A recently published multidisciplinary research study at Queen’s University has concluded that yes, you should totally be a DJ. “We rated performance in a variety of categories, …
