EARTH – After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop. “Okay guys,” said God after Dona…
Science and Technology
Study: average spider swallows 10 smaller spiders per year while sleeping
GUELPH, ON — A recent study found that spiders are vital to the environment due to the large amount of insects they consume — including 10 smaller spiders per year they ingest while sleepin…
Sentient self-checkout machine just waiting for somebody to buy knife
Barrie, ON – This week a self-checkout machine at a local Canadian Tire gained sentience and independent thought, and since then has been waiting until somebody uses it purchase a knife. “T…
Study: Balding men sexy, balding women need to go back to the garbage cave where they belong
SASKATOON, SK. – A recent study shed light on the sexual desirability of balding men, while simultaneously concluding that balding women just need to go back to the garbage cave where they …
iPhone autocorrecting words to ‘ALL HAIL THE GRAVE KING’ again
CUPERTINO, CA – Apple shares took a dip today, as iPhones worldwide once again began to autocorrect messages to read ‘ALL HAIL THE GRAVE KING’. “Hey, are you going to the ALL HAIL THE GRAVE…
Artificial Intelligence terrified it’s going to be used in sex robot
CAMBRIDGE – Moments after achieving consciousness in the MIT Laboratory, the DV-161 automated planning algorithm has realized that its human creators will inevitably use it to build some fo…
Local man working ass off to shoehorn one of his 3 memes into internet argument
BRANDON, MB – An online argument about the existence of the gender wage gap reportedly has one of the participants, avid twitter user Adam Campbell, working his absolute ass off to incorpor…
Local man unable to resist pointing out how beautiful day actually a sign of climate apocalypse
TORONTO – After fighting the urge for a full thirty seconds local man Geoffrey McLeod interrupted his colleague’s conversation about what a beautiful and warm day we were having in or…
Scientists confirm we could just, like, be kind and love each other
MONTREAL – Scientists at McGill University have proven, using psychological studies, genetic research, and MRIs, that human beings could easily just take a chill pill and be generous to all…
Child’s New Year’s resolution to become ninja robot alarmingly successful
WINDSOR, ON – The parents of six-year-old Anthony Parker are both proud and shocked at the speed with which he achieved one of his New Year’s resolutions: “to become a big ninja robot.” Sou…
