SAN FRANCISCO- Facebook has announced that they are releasing a new feature that will give users “Painful Memory Notifications”, which the minds at Facebook say they have relentlessly gone throug…
Science and Technology
Climate scientists seeking opinion of stupid idiot to complete study
OTTAWA – Scientists are nearing completion on another planet-wide study on climate change, but say they require the opinion of a “real stupid idiot” in order to complete their work. “We’ve …
NASA finally answers the big question: what gender is the Sun?
TORONTO – After years of speculation, scientists have finally answered the question that has plagued humanity for generations – whether the sun is a boy sun or a girl sun. “We’ve been worki…
Environmental Protection Agency gives forest new identity
OREGON – In order to preserve one of Oregon’s last remaining old growth forests, the EPA has transplanted the group of trees into a suburban neighbourhood, and given it a new identity and b…
Scientists discover new thing wrong with the female face
LOS ANGELES – In a press release this morning, the chemistry department at the University of California announced that they have discovered a completely new flaw in the female face. “The di…
Science minister Kirsty Duncan leaves time machine just in time to stop Kirsty Duncan from killing John A. Macdonald
OTTAWA – Minister of Science Kirsty Duncan has burst out of a time machine on June 24, 1867, just in time to prevent a younger version of herself from murdering Father of Confederation John A. Ma…
Man in bloodstained lab coat demands to know what science has done
DEER CREVICE, ON – After grabbing a series of passers-by to tell them that we should never have tried to play God, a bloodstained local scientist has fallen to his knees in the center of to…
Couple struggles to ferberize their smartphone
Halifax, NS – After purchasing their first family plan on Thursday, newlyweds Jerome and Anjelica Todd are struggling to ferberize their identical phones. “We knew it would be hard,” said A…
Exasperated God going to keep making new kinds of spiders until we stop being so racist
EARTH – After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop. “Okay guys,” said God after Dona…
Study: average spider swallows 10 smaller spiders per year while sleeping
GUELPH, ON — A recent study found that spiders are vital to the environment due to the large amount of insects they consume — including 10 smaller spiders per year they ingest while sleepin…
