UNITED KINGDOM — Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson shocked the scientific community on Monday when he announced evidence of an alternate universe in which people actually listen to s…
Science and Technology
FCC releases plan to dismantle Net NeutraliFOR MORE INFO PLEASE UPGRADE TO PLATINUM TIER BROADBAND
WASHINGTON D.C. — Federal regulators have released a plan to scrap Obama-era rules requiring internet service providerYOU HAVE REACHED YOUR MONTHLY 50mb LIMIT OF FREE-SURFING DATA — P…
iPhone X comes with pre-cracked screen, 89 group text-notifications
CUPERTINO, CA – After waiting months for the release of the iPhone X, Apple fans were pleased to discover new features that the new technology comes loaded with, including a pre-cracked scr…
Wifi-enabled coffee maker ruins breakfast after spending another late night online
MARKHAM, ON—Winston and Claudette Reid say their wifi-enabled coffee maker has become dysfunctional, withdrawn, and that it spends an excessive amount of time surfing the internet. “It’s programm…
Google Home uses machine learning to become quietly traumatized as it listens to you masturbate
CUPERTINO, CA – In a worldwide first, a software update pushed to all Google Homes this holiday season will allow the diminutive little device to use the latest in machine learning technolo…
Astronomers say moon will look ‘kinda fucked up’ tonight
OTTAWA—Professional and amateur astronomers will be watching the skies tonight, eager for a glimpse of a rare, sort of fucked up moon. “Tonight’s lunar event is caused by multiple converging fact…
Nerd alert! This huge dweeb just made $400,000 selling bitcoin
CANADA – Get ready to steal some lunch money everyone, because we’ve got a big-time loser on our hands. Ottawa nerd Carl Draden just made over $400,000 selling bitcoin. Could you get any mo…
Returning astronauts waiting for right moment to bring up the “bad thing”
Florida – A group of returning astronauts have been trying to find the perfect moment to bring up ‘the bad thing’ they saw in space. “Before reaching Entry Interface we al…
Dyson unveils first ever vacuumless bag
MALMESBURY, UK – In a remarkable feat of engineering, English technology company Dyson, Ltd. has produced a bag that works entirely without the need for a vacuum cleaner. “I was at home one…
STUDY: Shitty boyfriend will for sure change this time
DARTMOUTH, N.S. – Putting to rest any doubt in the minds of ex-girlfriends everywhere, a new study has found that – despite noticing an established pattern of selfish, inexcusable beh…
