SILICON VALLEY – Taking a break from helping the Russian government tamper with American elections, Facebook has pivoted into the dating sphere, utilizing their infamous data collection to …
Science and Technology
Scientists discover renewable energy source in mediocre white men’s confidence
VANCOUVER, BC – Hundreds of years of privilege has transformed white male confidence into a pure, clean burning source of fuel, according to a study published by the University of British C…
NASA discovers Earth-like planet 20 feet from Earth
WASHINGTON D.C. – Astronomers with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have announced the ground-breaking discovery of a planet similar to Earth only 20 feet away from our own plane…
Facebook intentionally leaks billions of embarrassing personal details to show you aren’t perfect either
Menlo Park, CA – Social media giant Facebook announced today that they’ve intentionally leaked billions of its users embarrassing personal failures in an attempt to show the world that, hey…
Archeologists unearth ancient iPod from 2005 in junk drawer
WINDSOR, ON – Calling it a “rare specimen”, archaeologists announced Friday that they have unearthed what appears to be an Apple iPod, dating it from the geological period of 2005 based on …
New Facebook protocol will only let you delete your account in exchange for a dark secret they don’t already know
MENLO PARK, CA – As more and more people are attempting to delete their Facebook accounts due to the social media giant’s unfolding data collection scandal, Facebook now requires users to r…
Elon Musk finally invents a way to fuck gravity
Los Angeles, CA – Tech billionaire Elon Musk announced today, after years of research and million of dollars, that he has finally found a way to put his penis inside the physical constant o…
New and improved Google calendar now automatically reschedules your dentist appointment eight times
Mountain View, CA – Tech giant Google has unveiled a highly anticipated update to their calendar app, letting it automatically reschedule your dentist appointments so you don’t have to. “Wh…
New Amazon service will deliver baseball bat directly to your union rep’s knees
PALO ALTO – After Amazon Key revolutionized home delivery by allowing strangers into your house, the retail giant has launched a new service promising to permanently change the way your uni…
Stephen Hawking only dead in this universe
CAMBRIDGE, UK – Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, considered by many to be the most intelligent man in the world, has died in this iteration of the universe, but sources from multiple oth…
