Mountain View, CA – Tech giant Google has unveiled a highly anticipated update to their calendar app, letting it automatically reschedule your dentist appointments so you don’t have to. “Wh…
Science and Technology
New Amazon service will deliver baseball bat directly to your union rep’s knees
PALO ALTO – After Amazon Key revolutionized home delivery by allowing strangers into your house, the retail giant has launched a new service promising to permanently change the way your uni…
Stephen Hawking only dead in this universe
CAMBRIDGE, UK – Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, considered by many to be the most intelligent man in the world, has died in this iteration of the universe, but sources from multiple oth…
Facebook’s new algorithm to block fake news and pictures of Kim’s stupid fucking baby
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – After continued criticisms about its role in the 2016 Election, Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg announced that his company would be implementing a new algorithm to stop t…
Alexa accidentally transmits laughter from Amazon HQ to users
SEATTLE – Reports from multiple users that Alexa devices are randomly emitting laughter have been traced to a live microphone in the data harvesting centre of Amazon’s Seattle headquarters.…
Scientist who claimed universe is simulation found dead in swimming pool with no ladder
PLEASANTVIEW, AB – Tragedy hit a small residential neighbourhood today when the body of one of its residents was found having seemingly drowned in a swimming pool after being unable to find…
Local time-traveler worried he’s becoming his father
MONTREAL, 1973 – Local scientist Carey Holton says as he grows older and travels more and more through time, he’s concerned that he’s becoming the one thing he said he never would: his fath…
Nuclear scientists move doomsday clock to “drinkin’ time”
CHICAGO, IL – In response to the new nuclear posture of the United States, along with the lack of evidence based decision making mechanisms in place, the members of the Bulletin of the Atom…
Silicon Valley tech bro accidentally reinvents the guillotine
San Francisco – A Silicon Valley startup is expressing regret today after realizing their groundbreaking smart device is a reinvention of the guillotine. “I didn’t realize I was inventing t…
Study confirms whatever you’re doing is great, everyone else is an idiot
CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study released today by Harvard Medical School confirms what you already suspected: the things you are doing in life are great, and everyone else is an idiot. “Your ap…
