QUEEN’S PARK – Facing criticism for his refusal to help resettle asylum seekers, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has pledged to treat vulnerable refugees with all the care and consideration he has show…
Ontario
Hamilton tick infestation fails to combat city’s Torontonian infestation
HAMILTON, ON – As the summer shifts into full swing, Hamilton residents have been placed on high alert with reports that the tick epidemic currently sweeping the city has failed to countera…
Doug Ford cuts millions in education costs by replacing every teacher in Ontario with one retired cop
QUEEN’S PARK – Just days after taking office, Doug Ford has cut education costs in Ontario by firing all 113,672 full time teachers, and replacing them with Gary, a retired cop who has ‘seen some…
Living proof that Canada is no better than the U.S. sworn in as Ontario Premier
TORONTO – A walking, talking refutation to the argument that Canada is in some way a more progressive country than the United States was sworn in as Ontario Premier this morning. “We have a…
Andrea Horwath looking forward to continuing to have no power
HAMILTON – After securing a new position as Leader of the Official Opposition, Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath says she’s looking forward to having no power still when the provincial government…
Marineland sets Orca fin to half-mast in honour of late founder
NIAGARA FALLS, ON — To honour the recent passing of Marineland owner John Holer, an Orca dorsal fin has been flown at half-mast in the beleaguered amusement park. “We really think it’s what…
Free speech guardian suing university for saying mean stuff about him
WATERLOO, ON – University professor and free-speech champion Jordan Peterson is bravely stepping up to fight back against some “really mean stuff” said about him by professors at Wilfrid La…
Ford offers Ontario companies holding cap-and-trade credits free tires to burn
TORONTO – Ontario Premier-designate Doug Ford will offer companies that have purchased carbon credits used tires so that they may be burned for heat. Claiming that the move will avoid any p…
Local woman suggests stopping at the ‘good’ ONroute
PORT HOPE, ON – After repeatedly being asked to pull over so that her driving companion could go pee, Hannah Weisman insisted on forgoing several rest stops in favour of the ‘good’ ONroute.…
Inspiration: Young drug dealer dreaming of becoming premier finally has a role model
MARKHAM – The election of Doug Ford as Ontario’s premier has become an inspiration for many young drug traffickers who now have the ambition to pursue public office one day. Despite all the…
