TORONTO – Striking a delicate balance of ensuring no person feels left out, Canada’s public broadcaster has announced that the entire population of the country will now host the flagship ne…
National
CBC splits single white man’s salary between two women, two minorities
TORONTO – Following the departure of longtime anchor Peter Mansbridge, CBC executives have decided to hire a diverse collection of hosts, each of whom will receive an equal share of Mansbri…
Canadian dairy lobbyists accidentally buy $200 million worth of influence in Department of Fisheries
OTTAWA – After several mishaps and one case of mistaken identity, the giant Dairy Farmers of Canada lobby group accidentally spent $200 million on favourable legislation and treatment in th…
Trudeau tweets message welcoming world’s refugees to Canadian prisons
OTTAWA – After a federal judge upheld the government’s right to indefinitely detain immigrants as it sees fit, Trudeau sent a triumphant humanitarian tweet, inviting refugees from all over …
US health care debacle makes local man proud of system that’s unaffordable for 10% of Canadians
HALIFAX – After seeing several news reports stating upwards of 30 million Americans could lose health insurance, local man Oscar Mcallister says he’s proud to live in a country where only t…
Justin Trudeau graces Rolling Stone cover to shore up American base
NEW YORK – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has made the cover of Rolling Stone’s August issue in his latest attempt to appeal to his most supportive constituents; American liberals who don’t …
REPORT: Saskatchewan left Canada years ago
OTTAWA- A report conducted by the Ministry of Environment says that the entire province of Saskatchewan detached itself from the rest of the country and left “probably several years ago,” and now…
Tories offer Omar Khadr additional $10.5 million to stay in news until next election
OTTAWA – The Conservative Party has vowed to match Omar Khadr’s $10.5 million payout if he agrees to do “everything in his power” to remain in the news until the next federal election in 2019. “W…
Governor General’s soul instantly flung into void of pain upon mistakenly touching the Queen
LONDON – The outgoing Governor General of Canada, David Johnston, suffered an unfortunate disembodiment of his mortal soul earlier today following physical contact with Queen Elizabeth II at Cana…
Stats Canada raids millions of homes after learning nation’s families hiding .5 children
OTTAWA – After census data revealed the average Canadian household contains 1.5 children, Stats Canada raided 3 million homes, rescuing some 1.5 million mutated blobs of half-formed human f…
