SOCHI – For the 22nd time in Winter Olympic history, Team Canada has failed to win a medal on the opening ceremonies event. “It’s really disappointing that we couldn’t mak…
National
Meteorologists hard at work preparing Springtime weather buzzword
WINNIPEG – The innovative meteorologists behind the term “Polar Vortex” and more recently “Chillahedron” and “Popsiclypse” are putting in overtime to com…
Big 5 banks worried Canadians not saving enough for retirement of bank CEOs
TORONTO – The Big 5 Canadian banks are sending a warning to Canadians; save up or else their executives may not retire in excessive opulence. Last year, TD, RBC, CIBC, BMO and Scotiabank co…
Liberal senators released from caucus so they can more effectively not do anything
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau’s removal of all Liberal senators from his caucus yesterday has officially freed the senators up to fully commit to their responsibilities of not really doing anythi…
Fantino thanks veterans for bravely sacrificing services so Canadians can have a free and balanced budget
OTTAWA – Veterans Affairs Minister Julian Fantino made a public apology to veterans for showing up late to an important meeting, and also took the opportunity to thank them for their sacrif…
Trudeau removes pants after nation’s women demand greater transparency
OTTAWA – Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau has made a radical move in removing his pants after hearing the demands of many Canadian women for greater transparency in Canadian politics. The sudd…
Breakthrough deal made as Blackberry shareholders agree on Thai food
WATERLOO – Significant progress has been made at the troubled tech giant Blackberry after shareholders agreed that they should eat Thai food at the next meeting. The decision was made at 11…
Nation shocked when rural kid gets DUI
MIAMI – The nation expressed shock and disbelief earlier this week when a young native from a very small rural town in Ontario was arrested for driving under the influence. “Wait, you’re sa…
Goldman Sachs predicts Canadian dollar will fall after they artificially lower it
NEW YORK, NY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will lower by as much as 12 cents compared to the US dollar in 2014 after they use an asto…
New study finds that studies are very important
OTTAWA – A new study by the recently defunded Carleton University research institute has concluded that studies are very useful and should be commissioned much more often. “Our resear…
