CANADA – Millions of Canadians who opened their fridge today looking for the margarine were unsure if the round container they found enclosed actual margarine or leftovers from past meals. …
National
Family spends entire long weekend stuck in traffic
TORONTO – The Warringtons of Toronto, Ontario got away from the big city over the long weekend by sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic as a family. “This was a bonding experience for us,” sa…
Hazel McCallion endorses Liberals, O’Carthy’s Immortality Serum
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Citing a lack of other credible candidates and a smooth-drinking, life-extending flavour, 93-year-old Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion has thrown her influence behind bot…
Tim Hortons celebrates 50 years of exploiting national identity for profit
HAMILTON, ON – International restaurant chain Tim Hortons is celebrating 50 years of instilling and manipulating contrived patriotic sentiment in Canadian consumers towards their brand coff…
POLL: Many would vote for Tim Hudak if he were completely different person
ONTARIO – With the Ontario election only one month away, polls are predicting a landslide victory for Tim Hudak, if he is willing to entirely change his campaign, policies, political party,…
Tories introduce ‘Three Riddles’ voting system
The Harper government has passed its controversial Noble Voters Act, which will require all potential voters to answer three riddles and “establish their virtue true” before casting a ballot. “Th…
Tim Hudak offers one million jobs for one night with your wife
NIAGARA FALLS – Progressive Conservative leader Tim Hudak is willing to give one million jobs to you if he can spend one night with your wife. The salacious proposal was made while Hudak wa…
Court upholds ban on doctor-assisted regicide
OTTAWA – In what is being called a landmark case, the Supreme court of Canada has ruled doctor-assisted regicide unlawful, a decision that could have far-reaching implications for ongoing p…
Northern Economic Development Agency creating jobs in remote region of downtown Ottawa
OTTAWA – The Canadian Northern Economic Development Agency revealed today new job numbers indicating that the Agency has been responsible for rapid job growth in the isolated region of down…
Conservatives unveil new ‘just fuck shit up before 2015’ plan
OTTAWA – After a year plagued by scandal and unpopular legislation, representatives of the Harper government have announced that the administration’s new strategy is to just try and pass as…
