OTTAWA – Conservative Members of Parliament are proposing a new bill that the party hopes will make refugees feel more at home in Canada by ensuring their new lives remain as destitute and hopele…
National
Drug user replaced by drug dealer in Toronto mayoral race
TORONTO – Notorious drug user Rob Ford has stepped down from his mayoral candidacy and been replaced by his brother, notorious drug dealer Doug Ford. “Torontonians want someone discreet, wh…
Conservative prostitution bill C-36 defines sex as gross, terrifying
OTTAWA – Bill C-36, the Conservative government’s proposed prostitution bill, will seek to define sex as “gross,” “terrifying” and “something only mommies and daddies should do when a…
Franklin expedition ship still one of Canadian navy’s most advanced
OTTAWA – Royal Canadian Navy officials were overjoyed on Tuesday to learn that their most advanced ship, which was last seen in 1848, had finally been located near King William Island. “This is a…
Edmonton man can’t scratch mosquito bites due to snow gloves
EDMONTON – Local man Taylor Webster has been having difficulty satisfactorily scratching the many mosquito bites he got last week at the lake, likely because the recent snowfall has require…
Harper finally gets to send troops to Iraq after 11 year wait
NEWPORT, WALES – After waiting over a decade, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will get his wish to send Canadian troops to Iraq. “Canada can be proud to fight alongside with our US allies in …
Canadian actors excited to meet real celebrities at TIFF
TORONTO – As the Toronto International Film Festival is set to get under way, Canadian stars are nervously awaiting their chance to finally meet real-life American celebrities. “I play poke…
Thousands of BC students unable to skip school
VANCOUVER – As the province of BC’s public school teachers continue their strike this week, approximately 500,000 students are left unable to skip school. “Where am I supposed to drop my ch…
Canada Post to push people out of wheelchairs to see if home delivery needed
OTTAWA – Persons with disabilities, seniors and the very ill will now be required to be pushed out of their wheelchairs by Canada Post in order to prove that they need home delivery service…
Burger King execs still waiting in line at Tim Hortons
SARNIA, ON – A pair of Burger King executives were late for a merger meeting after being stuck in a line for over 20-minutes at a local Tim Hortons. The quick service restaurant executives …
