OTTAWA – At a press conference today Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated that his government would not let terrorist acts intimidate him from taking away Canadians’ civil liberties. “Terro…
National
Toronto elects first white male mayor in four years
TORONTO – After an historical election, Toronto has chosen its first wealthy, white male mayor in nearly half a decade. “I thought I would never see this day,” said a teary eyed business ex…
Government reassures Muslim Canadians they will not be treated like Aboriginals
TORONTO – In the wake of two terrorist attacks within one week, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has reassured the Muslim community that the government will not take away their rights as they …
Reporters worried nation of Vimy Ridge, Kandahar has lost its innocence
OTTAWA – According to numerous international columnists, the recent murder of soldier Nathan Cirillo and the subsequent shootout in Parliament have caused the nation of Canada, which has fo…
CNN disappointed with Canadians’ lack of panic
OTTAWA – Following widespread, international coverage of the murder of a war memorial guard by a radicalized man with terrorist sympathies and the subsequent shootout in Parliament, news me…
Canada to politely bomb ISIS
KUWAIT CITY – After receiving parliamentary approval to conduct airstrikes in Iraq, Canada’s CF-18s will bombard ISIS targets in a friendly and polite manner. “We know that ISIS poses a sig…
Kilometres wide power outage in downtown Calgary affects dozens
CALGARY – An electrical fire in the power grid plunged dozens of blocks in the heart of Calgary into total darkness over the weekend, causing significant inconvenience and uncertainty for t…
Harper to accept Syrian refugees who can prove no ties to Middle East
OTTAWA – At a press conference today, the Prime Minister announced plans to begin fast-tracking refugee applications from any and all Syrian refugees who can prove they’ve never visited the…
Boring Canada still has no Ebola: report
OTTAWA – Citizens are expressing boredom with the fact that Canada still has no cases of Ebola, a new report finds. “It’s good that we’re safe but Canada news is so boring. Just…
Harper authorizes use of CF-18s for Question Period
OTTAWA – In response to increasing instability, Prime Minister Stephen Harper authorized the deployment of Canada’s fleet of CF-18s to the combat aggressive insurgent forces present in Ques…
