MISSISSAUGA — Local man James Redwy told reporters yesterday that despite “really wanting” to send a thank-you note to his aunt Susan for the sweater she gave him for Christmas, at this point it’…
Local
Local politician apologizes for arachnophobic slur
OSHAWA, ON – After a firestorm of controversy erupted around her use of the phrase ‘creepy-crawly’ last week, local MP Pauline Douglas has apologized for her arthropodist remarks. “I did no…
MADD to text drivers about the dangers of drinking and driving
OAKVILLE – Mothers Against Drunk Driving are reminding Canadians not to drink and drive by sending them a text message while they’re driving. “We think this is a great initiative to raise f…
Single man buys special Valentine’s Day bag of Tostitos
CHURCHILL, MA – Local man Ryan Booker has finalized his Valentine’s Day plans this year by pre-purchasing the special bag of tortilla chips that he will eat on his own during the most…
Healthiest option in office vending machine is Doritos
EDMONTON – A scientific survey of the available foodstuffs in your office vending machine has found that the most nutritious food item on offer is Doritos. “At first we thought, what could …
Rich, handsome bachelor secretly very unhappy, hopefully
WHISTLER, B.C. – Colleagues and casual acquaintances have agreed that, despite immense wealth and the jaw line of a young George Clooney, local man Hunt Delaney is probably quite sad and lo…
‘Freedom of speech is dead’ declares local man after newspaper fails to publish Charlie Hebdo cartoons
HAMILTON – When the New York Times opted not to publish Charlie Hebdo’s latest cover, self-styled free speech advocate John Blunt knew that free speech, as we know it, was dead. “How can our soci…
Empty shampoo bottle enters third month in shower
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Despite being void of any shampoo for the past 90 days, a 1.17 L bottle of TRESemmé shampoo still remains in a local man’s shower. The owner, Eric Mannix, has ignored pleas…
Local slacker asks girlfriend to be common-law fiancé
REGINA – Local slacker Jeremy Sampson recently asked Polly Peterson, his girlfriend of four years, to enter into a common-law-engagement with him over a cup of 7-11’s fanciest Ramen noodles…
Fat guy, plus-sized woman walk through park holding hands
TORONTO – Observers at a local park yesterday watched as a really fat man walked holding hands with a curvaceous woman. “They were possibly a couple,” said one witness of the balding, overw…
