OTTAWA, ON – For the ninth year in row, featured correspondent for the Ottawa Citizen David Suplin has defended his title has National Journalist Fighting Lightweight champion. Suplin, know…
Local
Man late to conversation wants to know what you guys are talking about
TORONTO – Recent studies have shown that local man Derek Waverly, who arrived late to your conversation at the office holiday party, is nonetheless interested in knowing what you guys are d…
City boy ain’t got the guts
THE PRAIRIES – Although he came in faking like he was hot shit, eyewitnesses at Scraggly Dan’s Saloon are reporting that this namby-pamby, suit-and-tie man don’t know what he’s getting hims…
Biological father, stepfather both show up to house wearing Santa costumes
CALGARY – Joshua Hughes, 7, suffered a mild Christmas trauma today when William Hughes, his biological father, burst into the family home in a Santa costume when stepfather James Cohen was …
Local jerk incorrectly assumes he has social anxiety
TORONTO – Local mean man Richard Busby has for years mistaken the genuine reactions to his cruel behaviour as negative thoughts triggered by social anxiety. “It’s tough,” Busby lamented as he che…
Local killjoy has realistic expectations for new Star Wars
TORONTO – After witnessing a myriad of kickass promotional materials and entire seconds of new footage in the latest trailer, area man Matthew Gertz is still refusing to express hyperbolic …
Uncle just calling to say ‘how’s it going’, ‘9/11 was an inside job’
MARMORA, ON – After not having seen the family since Christmas, Uncle Dave has decided to just call and see what’s up, as well as remind you that he thinks 9/11 was perpetrated by the U.S. …
Tortoise agonizing over putting down pet human
CANBERRA — After 78 years of companionship, local tortoise Sally Lansdowne is debating whether to euthanize her ailing pet human, Phil. The Caucasian-breed homo sapien was adopted by Lansdo…
Grizzly bear demanding cub back doesn’t seem to understand concept of ‘finders keepers’
WHITE FALLS, B.C. – Making a big old fuss after her cub was taken, one eleven-hundred pound local mother grizzly seems to have forgotten the age-old rule that finders are keepers, and loser…
Local man builds actual adult life out of LEGO
KAMLOOPS – Local “LEGO Enthusiast” Mike Dobson has assembled a detailed representation of a functional adult life using the famous interlocking brick toys, which in no way resembles his act…
