TORONTO – Sources say that, despite what you might have thought, the guy that they used to call “Muttonhawk” seems to have actually been doing pretty alright, these last couple of years. “I…
Local
Local man’s new year’s resolutions too depressing for rest of party
REGINA – Sources inside Beverly Ackerman’s New Year’s Eve party last night say the event was brought to a screeching halt when attendee Michael Griffin proceeded to reveal the sad, inconseq…
Party-goer sure New Year’s cigar won’t make him throw up this time
TORONTO – In spite of four previous years’ worth of contrary evidence, local man Jeff Andrews is firm in his belief that he can handle a cigar without becoming horribly ill this New Year’s Eve. “…
Local man unashamed that he still owns devil-sticks
Nineteen years after he first got them, Kingston resident Darren McPhee, 33, has reaffirmed publicly that he both owns devil-sticks and regularly uses them. “Yeah, I stick,” said McPhee, “I can k…
Italian dinner interrupted by violent antipasto demonstration
WOODBRIDGE, ON – A pleasant end-of-week dinner at Alice Fazooli’s restaurant in Woodbridge was interrupted for many families yesterday evening when a ten-person mob of antipasto protesters storme…
Plucky investigative reporter found extremely dead
TORONTO – After spending several days delving into the dark world of political corruption, Ken Smead, a local idealistic reporter, has been found super-duper murdered. “Hoo boy,” said city …
Health-conscious dweeb opts for knuckle salad
TORONTO – Local dorkazoid Lewis Milliken has turned down a knuckle sandwich being offered by several men in a dark alleyway, preferring instead to get a healthier alternative. “Normally I’d…
Local dogs excited
TORONTO – A group of happy little buddies’ ears perked up earlier this week, as efforts were made to determine who among them was a good boy or girl. Upon discovery that they were in fact a…
Smarter-than-average bear seems to have fashioned crude shiv
JELLYSTONE PARK, WY – A local bear seems to have used his higher-than-normal intelligence to turn a crushed soda can into some manner of rudimentary knife. “I’ve caught this bear trying to …
Frustrated novelist struggling to write scene where main character opens pickle jar
TORONTO – Writer Alice Nguyen has found herself completely unable to complete a pivotal moment in her novel in which her main character, Michael, opens a pickle jar. “I just can’t find his …
