TORONTO — Cinnamon heart producers were shocked to discover this week that many consumers of the red heart drops are actually eating the product, sometimes compulsively. “To clarify, the he…
Local
Woman sensually undresses all dressed chips
PARIS — Yesterday, seated before a roaring fire in a spacious hotel room, local woman Julie Chambers, slowly and ever so tenderly, undressed a bag of all dressed chips as though for the first tim…
Judgmental look from passerby convinces man to be better parent
WINNIPEG – Lives were changed at the Portage Place Shopping Centre this morning as a smug and condescending look from local woman Lydia Nost convinced up-til-then neglectful father Jason Mo…
Stephen Harper found chained to police station by caped vigilante David Suzuki
OTTAWA – Former Prime Minister and maniacal rejecter of the Kyoto Protocol Stephen Harper has kept a low profile since October, but was found early this morning chained to a police station …
Local woman pulled out of emotional tailspin by mug with “Hope” written on it
Kingston, ON — A local woman was on the verge of breakdown when a heroic mug pulled her back from the edge. What set the mug apart from the average receptacle used to transport hot liquids …
Hotel janitor getting real sick of bleeding walls
GREY PEAK, AB – After thirteen years as custodian of the historic Everwatch Inn, Gerald Davis is fed up with cleaning the rivulets of human blood that constantly seep from the hotel’s…
Local mom gifts daughter item clearly bought for herself
Markham, ON — Local mother Wendy Reese has confirmed allegations that the most recent gift she gave to her daughter Sarah Reese was, in fact, initially purchased for herself. The item in qu…
Three guys who return foundling baby ruin hilarious premise
EDMONTON – The potential for gut-busting comedy and madcap antics has been extinguished after three unlikely bachelors, Joe, Moe and Perot, promptly returned a baby that unexpectedly arrived on t…
Camera-savvy friend explains every goddamn button
VANCOUVER – After having expressed mild excitement about the purchase of a new camera to a friend who once took a photography course, local woman Tiffany Tsu has been forced to endure a tut…
Bunny reporter tired of writing fluff pieces
BANFF, AB- Jounalist for the Banff National Park News Hoppy McWhiskers has recently spoken out about what he believes is a pattern of discrimination at the paper. McWhiskers, who joined the pape…
