PICTON, ON—With nothing standing between them and a relaxed, quiet evening at home, Shelly and Jordan Douglas chose instead to spend three fractious hours passionately arguing about what to watch…
Local
Uber, SPCA to deliver puppies to your office to shit on your supervisor’s desk
TORONTO – The SPCA is joining forces with Uber this Friday, delivering carloads of adorable puppies to offices around the city to take a shit on your least favourite superior’s personal belonging…
Teenager trying to fuck your daughter ‘pleased to meet you, sir’
MEDICINE HAT, ALBERTA – Reports from inside the family room report that Tyler Johnson, the 16 year old just dying to bang your baby girl, is very happy to meet you. “Thank you for having me…
Woman purchases mason jars, old records at garage sale to sell at next garage sale
OTTAWA – Local woman, Willow Andrews, was thrilled with her recent garage sale finds of rustic mason jars and old vinyl records, which will be featured in her own garage sale next year once…
Nation’s cats celebrate being able to shit in people’s gardens again
CANADA – With the larger part of Canada now experiencing prolonged periods of warmth, cats nationwide are once again reveling in their ability to defecate in the newly-planted gardens of Ca…
Patio season convinces Ottawa woman she doesn’t live in desolate arctic hellscape 90% of year
OTTAWA – As local residents welcome patio season, Sana Khan, a thirty-two year old public servant, appears to be struck with a severe case of amnesia, tragically unable to recall that she …
Local neighbour begins extremely loud, unskilled renovations
Fort Nelson, BC – Next-door neighbour Dale Glover’s disruptive springtime renovation season is already off to a roaring start. “I can finally get back to work on that structurally unsound b…
Public servant romantically proposes to partner in 53 slide Powerpoint presentation
OTTAWA – Local civil servant Richard Escarvage made his intentions clear towards his partner, Adrianne Voigt, yesterday in a romantically thorough and detailed Powerpoint presentation on th…
Hand-holding couple awarded rights to entire width of sidewalk
TORONTO – In a landmark decision, a judge has awarded ownership of the entire width of the sidewalk to new couple Kris Summers and Alex Teale. Anyone occupying sidewalk space in their vicin…
Artist living the dream writing art grant proposals
Burlington, ON — Recent Concordia University graduate in visual arts Kerri Breckett is pursuing her creative passion by writing daily art grant proposals to sustain a small, not-for-profit …
