TORONTO — This weekend it was revealed that Brody Hall’s proudly displayed copy of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest is merely a receptacle for crushed peanut shells. For many years, the…
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Local millionaire depressed after meeting local billionaire
VANCOUVER – After what should have been a typical night of eating fresh-caught lobster stuffed inside still-breathing lobster, local millionaire Thane Anderson returned home despondent foll…
Village idiot polling strongly in village election
BRICKFORD, ON – Riding on an international wave of anti-intellectualism, local fool Muddy Tom holds a commanding lead in the ongoing village election. “Really, him?” said rival candidate Ma…
CEO hoping to sexually harass his way out of sexual harassment lawsuit
St-Hyacinthe, QC – Inside sources say that the CEO of Pullman’s Quality Meats, who is being sued by an employee for sexual harassment, is attempting to win the suit with an elaborate plan, …
Level-headed man won’t judge Trump until he reads harrowing account of presidency written by 13 year-old Jewish girl forced to hide in attic
TORONTO – Despite over a year of divisive campaigning and hundreds of inflammatory comments, local man Derek Miller says he’ll only condemn Trump if a publishing house releases the affectin…
Update: Childhood dog still dead
YOUR HOMETOWN — An urgent press bulletin has confirmed that your beloved childhood pet, the one whose tragic passing you thought you would never recover from, is still “deceased, departed, …
Local woman acting all crazy about how much society gaslights women
TORONTO – After a workplace conversation about the ways in which society teaches women their feelings and experiences aren’t valid, co-workers have concluded local woman Emma Hall is totall…
Local woman smashes 39 wine glasses on faucet while washing dishes
MONTREAL — It was a scene of total carnage on Friday night after local woman Natasha Campbell shattered 39 wine glasses in a row on the faucet while attempting to wash them carefully. The s…
Local man hoping to complete burger loyalty card before next heart attack
Markham, ON — Local man Ricky Horks is only four stamps away from completing his Burger Dump loyalty card and is hoping to redeem it before his next heart attack. “With luck, I’ll slide in …
95-year-old trapped in 19-year-old body becomes youngest MPP in Ontario
GRIMSBY, ON – A 95-year-old Progressive Conservative candidate trapped in 19-year-old’s body has become the youngest MPP in Ontario’s history. Cornelius Appleton, who inexplicably switched …
