SUDBURY – Prominent sorcerer of darkness Ragnicius the Cobbled has recently announced plans to reappropriate the term “millennial” to denote the demographic of wizards born before the…
Local
Anyone local man disagrees with considered ‘mainstream media’
HALIBURTON, ON – Whether it be a public broadcaster, a crowdfunded investigative journalist’s website, a local news station, or a privately-owned newspaper of note, any source local man Bre…
Thousands of Quebec women gather at vigil for discontinued “Bold Burgundy #188”
MONTREAL — Thousands of women gathered in downtown Montreal today to mourn the loss of legendary Féria hair colour, “Bold Burgundy #188”. The candlelight vigil, organized by local salon own…
Local Man aghast Popeyes doesn’t serve spinach
EDMONTON, AB – Hoping to emulate the healthy diet of the classic cartoon character, local man, Howard Morovitz, 38, attempted to order spinach at restaurant chain Popeyes, and was appalled …
Local man keeping New Year’s resolutions secret like he is some kind of fucking spy or something
CALGARY – Local man Gary Delaney is refusing to tell anyone what his New Year’s resolutions are, because apparently he thinks he is a top secret government official who must protect his clo…
Back-up toque promoted to first string following loss of star toque
MONTREAL — Formerly a fourth string benchwarmer in Steve’s winter hat roster, a plain black toque has been bumped up to starting player following the loss of a beloved red beanie. The black toque…
Man successfully saves on Ontario hydro bill by becoming Amish
Norwich, ON – High hydro bills are a thing of the past for one man who turned off every light in his house, rejected all forms of modernity, and joined a local Amish community. “I tried eve…
Snob only reads novelizations of films
REGINA, SK – Searching for authentic storytelling, local coffee shop assistant manager Shawn Brockston says he is done with mainstream Hollywood films, opting to only read the novelizations…
Local family horrified to realize Jingle All The Way has become holiday tradition
KAMLOOPS – After several years, the MacPherson family have ruefully acknowledged that, at some point, they will feel compelled to watch Jingle All The Way as part of their annual holiday ce…
Local miser visited on Christmas by three Frankensteins
LONDON, ENGLAND – Due to a high demand for helpful ghosts on Christmas Eve, elderly businessman and heartless miser Agamemnon Scoggs was forced to endure a cautionary visit from three Frank…
