TORONTO – Local man Todd Walters has made a resolution that should the COVID-19 virus force him into quarantine again, he will accomplish even less with the extra time off. “After I went ba…
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Retired thief concerned window is closing for one last heist
LAS VEGAS – After quietly retiring five years ago, Doug “Quick-Fingers” Malone, a once-renowned thief known for being a part of numerous infamous robberies and heists, is beginning to worry that …
Mask-wearing woman rehearses judgmental glare before taking public transit
VANCOUVER — Weeks after a mandatory mask policy was put in place on public transit, 35 year-old Devon McCarthy was fed up with people refusing to comply. After glaring judgmentally at maskless pe…
Local Becky levels-up, achieves final Karen form
THORNHILL, ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath, a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form: that of …
Face masks replaces Tim Hortons cups as Canada’s preferred public litter
Move over discarded double-double! The face mask is now Canada’s favourite source of roadside trash. The rubbish race is on as the once beloved plastic-lined cup is being replaced with millions o…
Racist facebook friend got married
Kitchener, ON – Reports from your facebook account indicate that Mitch, a guy you once met on a camping trip and who has been posting increasingly racist memes for several years now, recent…
Sad man finds new favourite flavour of chips
WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being, Jordan Wright, 34, has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips. “Oh God…
Local man fondly recalls early days of pandemic
Dartmouth, NS – 6 months in, local man Jackson Martin has been reduced to looking back with nostalgia at the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. “Remember back in March when we were …
Local woman unsure what to do with hands during conversation casually cups own breast
ST. JOHNS — Anita Debra, local barista, didn’t know what to do with her hands during a recent lull in a conversation, ultimately opting to cup her own breast. “I just didn’t know what to do…
Local woman makes old Barbies kiss just to feel something
MONTREAL – This week, Lauren Katsufrakis’ friends and family were growing increasingly concerned as she had been repeatedly making her old dolls make out in order to feel anything aside fro…
