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Health
Mum just calling to check you don’t have coronavirus
Oakville, ON — While she’s sure you’d be in touch if anything was wrong, your mum just called to check you don’t have coronavirus. “I’ve heard it’s been going around and I wanted to be sure,” she…
Report: Outbreak of idiocy spreading 10,000 times faster than coronavirus
TORONTO – Public health officials in Toronto have confirmed its first 50,000 cases of being a misinformed fuckwit as xenophobic conspiracy theories and tales of false cures continue to spre…
Man worried about coronavirus still hasn’t gotten flu shot
TORONTO – Seth Radcliffe, who has not had a flu vaccine in the last five years, wants to know exactly what the governments of the world and the UN are doing to protect him from the new coro…
Study finds that just having 5 fucking minutes to yourself outweighs all the negative effects of smoking
VANCOUVER – A study done at the University of British Columbia has found that the negative effects of smoking are completely outweighed by the benefits of just having five fucking minutes t…
“I’m quirky” declared treatable condition by W.H.O.
KINGSTON – Following years of lobbying by Canadian health groups, the World Health Organization has finally recognized that saying “I’m quirky” is a condition that requires medical tr…
New study finds link between vaping and dating someone named Cody
WASHINGTON, DC- Health officials across the globe are closely monitoring the effects of vaping following a damning report out of the CDC which found a link between regular e-cigarette usage and a…
Details of Brian’s keto diet endured by all
CALGARY – For the past six months, resident know-it-all and general dud, Brian Thomson has forced every exhausting detail of his new keto diet on his innocent co-workers, friends, and famil…
Medical resident who hasn’t slept in 36 hours wonders which patient he left his keys in
TORONTO – A sleep deprived medical resident finishing his required 36-hour shift has forgotten which patient he left his keys in. “Ah shit, not again,” Dr. Tate Williamson, rummaging throug…
Woman announces rebrand of crippling depression naps to sad time siestas
HAMILTON, ON – In an effort to escape the exhaustive emotional weight and mental strain of her current life Emilia Ruthen is taking charge like a #bossbabe and rebranding her 2-17 hour depression…
