WINDSOR – Exhausted nurse Lucia Ramierez addressed reporters this morning to announce she simply cannot wait to come home from her sixteen hour shift, rife with tragedy, to all the neighbou…
Health
Health workers agree being called a hero more effective than personal protective equipment
TORONTO – As COVID-19 continues to spread around the world, many hospitals are experiencing severe shortages of personal protective equipment needed to shield health care workers from the virus. …
Protester holding “Live Free or Die” sign excited to do both
Olympia, WA — As a participant in the protests against COVID related stay-at-home orders, conservative Tyler Loftis held a “Live Free or Die” sign to show his excitement to do both. “Governor Jay…
God tests positive for COVID-19 after church services continue
HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19. “At first I thought I just had a sor…
Bank CEO reassures worried Canadians: “I’m going to be okay”
TORONTO – As the economic impact of the COVID-19 crisis devastates Canadian household finances, Royal Bank President and CEO David McKay reassured the nation: “I want you all to know in this diff…
2020’s hottest workout trend: listless pacing
The world may have stopped in the face of COVID-19, but your fitness journey doesn’t have to! 2020’s hottest health trend is here, and it’s called listless pacing. Wait, WTF is LP? Think pacing, …
Health Canada asks Canadians to at least brush their teeth, for God’s sake
OTTAWA – Amid the current worldwide shutdown leading to the majority of Canadian citizens practicing self-isolation in their homes, Health Canada has urged people to at the very least consider br…
Local woman lowers ‘Live Laugh Love’ poster to half-mast
RIVERVIEW, NB – As COVID-19 projections predict mandated self isolation to remain in effect for several more months, local resident Helen De Angelo has lowered her Live Laugh Love poster t…
Nation’s high school dance chaperones bravely volunteer to enforce social distancing
OTTAWA – Responding to an urgent need, high school dance chaperones from across the country have bravely volunteered to ensure that Canadians everywhere remain at least two metres apart fro…
Secret government lab where coronavirus was created going to have serious talk with staff about this
LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has confirmed that they will be calling an all-employees st…
