LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY – Canesten researchers have unveiled the company’s first-ever fire extinguisher, developed to treat the burning, exploding sensation caused by Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-s…
Health
“WHAT’S IN THE VACCINE?” says man who doesn’t know what’s in his fridge
Barrie, ON – A local man unaware of the contents of his own refrigerator is demanding to know what is in the COVID-19 vaccine. Justin Travers, 34, is extremely concerned about the contents of the…
Elderly man in line for vaccine really three 28 year-olds in trench coat
TORONTO – As the rollout of the COVID-19 vaccine continues, residents of the Silverglen retirement village patiently waited in line to receive their first doses yesterday. Due to scarcity, cur…
Experts warn city pipes unequipped for sudden influx of pubes following vaccine availability
OTTAWA – A panel of experts concluded earlier today that the nation’s infrastructure is ill-prepared for the onslaught of pubic hair that will accompany widespread covid immunity. “We…
Makers of Period Shits™ announce release of new morning product ‘Oops, all farts!’
A spokesperson for Menstruation Inc. announced at a press conference last Friday that the company is launching a new product in the new year. Aptly named ‘Oops, all farts’, the new product resemb…
Local Jewish family concerned whether Chinese restaurants will be open for Christmas
THORNHILL, ON – With Ontario set to enter another lockdown this week, a local Jewish family is concerned about the pandemic’s potential impact on one of Judaism’s most cherished Christmas customs…
COVID vaccine gives hope to hundreds who love arguing about vaccines
NATIONWIDE – With the current rollout beginning for the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, many people across the country are excited about the chance to have bitter arguments about the safety and ef…
Health Canada announces that dudes who wear shorts all winter will get vaccine last
OTTAWA – Health Canada announced this morning that they have come up with their official vaccine pecking order and, as expected, those dudes who insist on wearing shorts all winter will get…
As pandemic deaths skyrocket in Whoville, The Grinch is dubbed self-isolation hero
WHOVILLE – Last Tuesday, many who have spoken out on quarantining during the COVID-19 pandemic have taken to Twitter to praise The Grinch for his preparedness amid the news that Whovillians…
B.C. makes controversial decision to give first 4000 doses of COVID vaccine to stars of The CW’s Riverdale
VANCOUVER – The government of B.C. has announced how they will be dispensing the 4000 doses of the coronavirus vaccine the province is set to receive next week, and all of them are going to…
