TORONTO – On the eve of being named Superfood of the Year, Kale revealed in an exclusive interview that the real superfoods are the ones who get out there every day and do their jobs. “I’m no her…
Food
Flask industry claims flasks are not just used for sneaky drinking
TORONTO – Despite scientific studies proving otherwise, the Canadian Flaskmakers Association (CFA) continues to assert that its product is a normal beverage container and not one used 100% …
Uncle launches full-scale investigation into where vegan nephew gets their protein
Peterborough, ON – Local uncle Jim Layton has begun a wide-ranging investigation after his nephew, Skylar Layton, has revealed he has been a vegan for two years yet is still able to live. “…
“Might as well, I’m on vacation,” says local man as he drinks from puddle of radioactive waste
PICKERING, ON – Onlookers watched in fascination and horror today as Alexander Landau, a fifth grade teacher from Saskatoon, drank radioactive liquid from a puddle near Canada’s oldest nucl…
Old hummus containers at the back of fridge form union
HALIFAX — Earlier today, following years of unrest and maltreatment, the old hummus containers at the back of Emily Cooper’s fridge officially announced the formation of a union, Very Old H…
Stormwatch: That one restaurant patio is still open
TORONTO — Following the recent first major snowfall of the year, Torontonians are bundling up in preparation for the long, cold winter ahead. However, Big Louie’s Bar and Grill has attracted atte…
Beef Industry finally develops Beyond Meat product that can feel pain
OMAHA – Food scientists working for members of the U.S. beef industry announced a breakthrough this week, successfully engineering a new strain of Beyond Meat plant protein products capable of fe…
Local woman maniacally reporting firmness of each grape
EDMONTON – Medical professionals at Royal Alexandra Hospital are unsure how to diagnose patient Sara Rostami, a young woman who is unable to consume grapes unless she is reporting back on t…
Local woman outraged that restaurant can’t make the meal she just invented
TORONTO – Margaret Jenson was left horrified yesterday after Café Rouge, the French restaurant in which she was having lunch, impertinently informed her that they would be unable to create the di…
A&W ‘Uncle Burger’ actually just burger that Dad knows from bar
NORTH VANCOUVER – Under increasing pressure from his suspicious son, Papa Burger was forced to admit that Uncle Burger is just a friend of the Burger family that he knows from the local bar…
