TORONTO – While the COVID-19 quarantine has resulted in some grocery stores dealing with food shortages, availability of gluten-free products remains at an all-time high. “People are desper…
Food
Report: Jessica acting like a real domestic slut ever since she got a Le Creuset Dutch Oven
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Upon acquiring a $500 Le Creuset brand dutch oven, sources are reporting that Jessica Sanghvi has been acting like a notoriously domesticated slut by spending the majori…
Delusional sports bar owner believes customers will order from his takeout menu
CALGARY – Completely misreading his clientele, the owner of Nutter’s Sports Bar and Grill believes there will be high demand for the unremarkable items on his takeout menu. Brad Furst’s 17th Aven…
Deformed sourdough unceremoniously buried under the cover of night
Orillia, ON – What began as one quarantined woman’s attempt at bringing yet another sourdough bread into the world, has ended in tragedy as the severely disfigured loaf is currently being u…
Local Sommelier just fuckin’ guessing
Niagara, ON – The wine-loving community was shocked today to learn that local Sommelier Jacob Tillaney has been absolutely just fuckin’ guessing every time he gives tasting notes for a bott…
COVID-19 pandemic reveals Mayor of Flavortown to be most competent US politician
CHICAGO – In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Guy Fieri and the National Restaurant Association Education Foundation have launched the Restaurant Employee Relief Fund with a one-time gran…
Kale reveals the real superfoods are the ones that go out every day and do their jobs
TORONTO – On the eve of being named Superfood of the Year, Kale revealed in an exclusive interview that the real superfoods are the ones who get out there every day and do their jobs. “I’m no her…
Flask industry claims flasks are not just used for sneaky drinking
TORONTO – Despite scientific studies proving otherwise, the Canadian Flaskmakers Association (CFA) continues to assert that its product is a normal beverage container and not one used 100% …
Uncle launches full-scale investigation into where vegan nephew gets their protein
Peterborough, ON – Local uncle Jim Layton has begun a wide-ranging investigation after his nephew, Skylar Layton, has revealed he has been a vegan for two years yet is still able to live. “…
“Might as well, I’m on vacation,” says local man as he drinks from puddle of radioactive waste
PICKERING, ON – Onlookers watched in fascination and horror today as Alexander Landau, a fifth grade teacher from Saskatoon, drank radioactive liquid from a puddle near Canada’s oldest nucl…
