EDMONTON – Disappointing both his parents and his gentle-hearted saviour Zognath, local man Eric Timmins has started dating a girl whose family are lapsed Groznites. “Of course I take it pe…
Culture
Emma Watson punches through basement drywall after having to explain feminism again
LONDON – After being questioned on the legitimacy of her feminist politics in relation to a revealing photo-shoot, British actor Emma Watson has put her fist through a layer of drywall in a local…
Atellia, Goddess of Light writes herself into fan fiction about average high school
CELESTIAL KINGDOM – In a move that had other omnipotent deities rolling their eyes, Atellia Goddess of Light has written herself into a fan fiction about a mid-sized suburban high school. I…
Archeologists discover mass Polkaroo burial site
TORONTO – Two decades after TVO’s award-winning children’s program The Polka Dot Door ended, archaeologists from the University of Toronto have finally discovered where all the polkaroos ar…
Local man’s only role model dog from viral video
WHITEHORSE — Even including family, teachers, coaches, and celebrities, local man Eric Lee would be hard pressed to name a role model that isn’t that Siberian Husky from a video he saw on Faceboo…
Local man accidentally misses Oscars after not giving a shit
HALIFAX – This morning, local man, Robert Murray was shocked to discover he had mistakenly neglected to watch Hollywood’s biggest event last night because, fuck it. “Oh, I guess I did”, remarked …
UPDATE: Academy releases complete list of revised Oscar winners
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Responding to last night’s now infamous Oscar Best Picture mix up, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has gone through their past records overnight and released…
“Regular Al” Yankovic writes yet another normal hit
A SENSIBLE DISTANCE FROM HOLLYWOOD – The latest song from universally-acknowledged recording artist “Regular Al” Yankovic has middled out at a respectable 23 on the Billboard music ch…
Simon & Schuster, CPAC sever ties with Milo Yiannopoulos after finally googling him for first time ever
NEW YORK – Notorious Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos has lost business deals with Simon & Schuster and the Conservative Political Action Conference after both finally bothered to res…
All-white, all-male reboot of “Hidden Figures” in the works
LOS ANGELES – Production has begun on an all white, male reboot of the hit 2016 movie Hidden Figures. The movie, titled simply, Figures, will tell the story of three caucasian men who don’t…
