KITCHENER, ON – Fed up with the 9-3 grind, fourth grader Tim Eldow has decided to call it quits and search for a better life. “The whole lifestyle just wasn’t doing it for me anymore,” the …
Business
Pizza Pizza hires first Italian employee
Toronto, ON – Pizza Pizza, one of the largest pizza chains in North America, announced yesterday that, for the first time in the company’s 52 year history, it had hired an employee of Italian des…
Crips leaders accused of insider ganging
COMPTON, LA – Following the release of a tell-all exposé that surfaced earlier this week, leaders of the revered street gang the Crips are under investigation for insider ganging. In the ex…
Underemployed ESL teachers increasingly seek work underseas
PACIFIC OCEAN – A dwindling market for English language instruction overseas is forcing many unemployed English as a second language (ESL) teachers to seek work underseas, where new job opp…
Renegade stock clerk has big plans for aisle three
PEMBROKE, ON – Loblaws stock clerk Jeremy Brenton was quite vocal this morning with both customers and passersby regarding his “huge plans” for the store’s Aisle Three. Brenton was overheard mumb…
Snazzy business card fails to generate clients for asshole
CALGARY, AB – Despite purchasing a set of colourful, die-cut, embossed, holographic business cards, local real-estate agent and complete asshole Derick Fineley observed no noticeable increa…
Man quits family to spend more time with job
TORONTO, ON – The difficulty of balancing work life and family life led local businessman Ricky Canker to quit his family of three children and one wife last Tuesday, in order to devote mor…
Shamed ventriloquist reveals dummy actually his son
MONTREAL – The world of ventriloquy is in uproar following revelations that renowned ventriloquist Janzo Ballensteen has been using his son, 12-year-old Wally Ballensteen, a real human bein…
God can’t find publisher for latest book
HEAVEN – Over 3,000 years since the release of His worldwide bestseller The Bible, God, almighty creator of the universe, is finding it difficult to get His latest book published. “I’ve bee…
Nervous guest speaker at nudist colony picturing everybody with clothes
BOWMANVILLE, ON – Several minutes into his power-point presentation for skin-coloured vinyl in front of a group of naturists, nervous speaker Lloyd Brintnell, of Nature’s Office Supplies Co…
