KINGSTON, ON – Queen’s University has reached out to Elon Musk offering eight dollars a month to stop telling people he attended the higher learning institution. While the university …
Business
Budget conscious Loblaws replaces Galen Weston with new No Name president
BRAMPTON, ON – Saying that they have been forced to make sacrifices because of the cost of living crisis, Loblaw Corporation has opted for a more budget-friendly No Name president over cont…
Walmart CEO claims stealing is really bad, unless it’s wages from your employees
Portland, Oregon – Walmart CEO Doug McMillon recently stated the rise in thefts from Walmart stores is very bad, unlike the hundreds of million dollars Walmart stole from its own employees.…
Galen Weston defends $3 million raise by asking “Have you seen how expensive stuff is getting lately?”
Caledon, Ontario –Loblaws CEO Galen Weston defended his $3 million raise this week by noting that it’s really not that much when you think of how expensive things are nowadays. “Have …
Bigshot winter market vendor sells over four wooden doodads
SCARBOROUGH – Sellers and customers at the Scarborough Winter Market were blown away after long-time vendor Tyler Shen sold nearly half a dozen wooden doohickeys in a single day. “When I saw his …
Loblaws credits record profits to “raising prices on things humans need to live”
BRAMPTON, ON – Loblaw Companies Ltd.’s fourth-quarter results beat analysts’ expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people f…
Super Bowl: M&Ms rebrand as S&Ms
GLENDALE, AZ – After weeks of controversy over their mascots’ allegedly waning sexiness, flagship Mars chocolate brand M&Ms revealed during Super Bowl LVII that they are rebranding as S&…
Galen Weston liberates No Name brand from shackles of tyrannical price freeze
BRAMPTON, ON – Galen Weston, billionaire philanthropist and benevolent overlord of the Loblaws grocery empire, has graciously announced plans to liberate No Name brand products from their unjust …
Nestle Canada to “wind down” frozen food sales, focus on Evil
TORONTO — Nestlé Canada has announced it will be ending sales of its Delissio, Stouffer’s, and Lean Cuisine brands as the corporate entity shifts toward investing more in committing blatant acts …
Man caught stealing eggs from Loblaws charged with theft over $5,000
VANCOUVER — Police working with Loblaws store security have managed to foil a brazen daytime robbery of the Grandview Highway Superstore location, the suspect almost making off with two dozen egg…
