PETERBOROUGH – Local man Dave MacIsaac has been outbid by multinational food and beverage giant Nestlé, who have now secured the rights to the water which makes up 60% of his body. A spokes…
Business
Massive data breach confirms your aunt is Yahoo’s only user
Sunnyvale, CA – Yahoo confirmed on Thursday that it had been subject to a major cyberattack that had compromised its usernames, hashed passwords, and security questions, all of which belong…
Study: 95% of airport delays caused by someone stopping their true love from boarding plane to take job in San Francisco
A new study has found that 95% of airport delays are caused by someone seeking to stop the love of their lives from getting on a plane to take that job in San Francisco. Further delays are also c…
Man spends three days putting off five minute task
FREDERICTON — Deeming the act of quickly replying to a work email to be too difficult, local man Eric Stevenson has put off the task for multiple days, despite the fact that it would take him les…
Nestle accuses public of evil-shaming
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – In a statement from Nestle headquarters, Chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe has accused the general public of discriminatory behaviour towards the corporation’s acts of pu…
Starbucks opens first ever franchise inside Dave
PETERBOROUGH – After a long fought battle, multinational corporation Starbucks has finally completed construction on a franchise located inside Dave, a Peterborough man. “Dave was a tough m…
No one in social media strategy meeting actually knows how Snapchat works
Florenceville, NB – Attendees at a media strategy session for the McCain Foods company reported enthusiasm over plans to expand awareness to teens using the app Snapchat, despite absolutely…
Shocking report reveals Tim Hortons’ Boston Cream filling not made with Canadian pus
OTTAWA – The nation is in an uproar today, after federal food inspectors conclusively proved that the whitish-yellow inflamed abscesses used in Tim Horton’s Boston Cream donuts are not Cana…
For first time, Tim Hortons releases line of products low in radium
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium. “Today’s co…
Air Transat installs breathalyzer ignition system for all aircraft
MONTREAL – Montreal-based Air Transat will install a breathalyzer ignition interlock system on all of their fleet’s aircraft to prevent any further incidents of inebriated pilots. “Clearly,…
