BARRIE – Local man Aarav Verma has done the math and determined that 9 out of every 10 texts he receives are notifications from his cell phone carrier about potential deals in his area. “I …
Business
Scotiabank admits ‘richer than you think’ slogan was a math error
TORONTO – In a startling revelation this morning Scotiabank admitted that their famous slogan ‘You’re richer than you think’ is, in fact, not true, and only arose b…
Bell, Rogers buy naming rights to nation’s newborns
Having already bought every stadium in the country, the nations telecommunications giants have now scooped up the naming rights for the hundreds of thousands of newborns in Canada. Catch a…
Rug store going out of business for realsies this time
WINNIPEG – Despite a decade and half of claiming that they are going under local rug store Sultan’s Rugs and Fineries has for sure filed for bankruptcy and are closing their doors at the en…
Marineland rebrands by being cruel to all animals, not just whales
NIAGARA FALLS – Officials at Marineland are adopting a new strategy in branding by being cruel to all of the animals, rather than just the marine mammals. “The mistreatment of the orcas and…
Postmedia re-hires laid-off journalists to cater office Christmas party
TORONTO – On the heels of handing out more than $2.3 million in retention bonuses to its five top executives, Postmedia, Canada’s largest, least solvent newspaper chain, has announced that …
Facebook promises to ban fake news now that real news is absurd enough
Palo Alto – In a conference call with reporters, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg pledged to crack down on the fake news sites that spread political lies during the 2016 U.S. election, now that…
Waterproof iPhone 7 causes Uncle Ben’s Rice stock to fall
Mars Inc., the food and beverage conglomerate, saw its share price plummet 28% this morning after a preliminary fourth quarter earnings report revealed that sales of its subsidiary Uncle Ben’s Ri…
Foxy Girl Vodka Tampons promise to revolutionize Girl’s Night Out
You work hard, and now you can play just as hard with a new product that packs the punch of three vodka shots in one convenient vaginal sip.…
Facebook introduces ‘Life Achievement Filter’ to block friends’ happiness
PALO ALTO – Facebook has announced a new setting that will keep user’s timelines free of friends’ posts regarding engagements, promotions, and trips to the gym. “We know what our users want…
