BEIJING – Chinese government officials have reported that the country’s annual New Year’s fireworks display sounded spectacular for all those who could hear the display since it…
Kidnapping at preschool leaves 17 kids well rested
TORONTO – A kidnapping at a local preschool has led to an entire class of kids being fresh and ready to concentrate on new play-based learning curriculum. Citing parental complaints, the governme…
Nation shocked when rural kid gets DUI
MIAMI – The nation expressed shock and disbelief earlier this week when a young native from a very small rural town in Ontario was arrested for driving under the influence. “Wait, you’re sa…
Montrealers wonder when they can start ironically wearing toques again
MONTREAL – Temperatures in Montreal are fluctuating between chilly and cryogenically cold again leaving many to question when they can ironically wear a toque. “This sucks” declared 24-year…
John Tortorella suspended after behaving like John Tortorella
VANCOUVER – After last Saturday’s melee-filled game against Calgary, Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella has been given a fifteen day suspension for “behaving in a manner th…
Pont Champlain to remain terrible until 2025
MONTRÉAL – The City of Montreal has confirmed reports that the reconstruction of the Champlain Bridge will cause horrendous problems until 2025. “I know that we said that it would be finish…
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are we lying about when trying to woo complete strangers for a date? 1. Won a Nobel Peace Prize 2. Legitimate child of Nelson Mandela 3. Only has one cat 4. Capable of asking someone out fac…
Missing banana found in hammock
SASKATOON – After a frantic 29-hour search and rescue, a lost banana has been found safe and sound tucked inside a hammock. “You never think it will be you,” said local handyman…
Jermain Defoe announces retirement from competitive football, signs for TFC
TORONTO – Jermain Defoe called time on his glittering fifteen-year career as a trophyless competitive footballer on Monday, simultaneously announcing his retirement and signing with Toronto…
New 3D printing innovations will finally allow people to have sex with themselves
New Westminster, BC- The world of 3D printing has opened the door to one of the greatest of human sexual fantasies; having sex with a realistic facsimile of one’s self. “This is the greatest adva…
