TORONTO – As theatres across Ontario remain closed, local man, Julian Yoon, is secretly ecstatic his co-worker is unable to use his Hamilton tickets. “I remember the day, he (smugly) posted…
Condo developers seek help from Marginalized Community on where to gentrify next
VANCOUVER – In order to address the ongoing housing crisis, condo developers have reached out to marginalized communities in search of the next neighbourhood to gentrify. “We owe the …
Man discerns passage of time with ripeness of bananas
LIVING ROOM – As Canada enters its third month of mandatory self isolation, local man, Max Easton, has abandoned all traditional concepts of time and has decided to discern his days using t…
Local woman lowers ‘Live Laugh Love’ poster to half-mast
RIVERVIEW, NB – As COVID-19 projections predict mandated self isolation to remain in effect for several more months, local resident Helen De Angelo has lowered her Live Laugh Love poster t…
“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board
To our devoted readers, hello, bonjour. We, at the Beaverton, can’t decide what’s worse: being inundated daily by negative news or instagram live notifications. Trust us – we are just as ti…
Corporations disappointed they won’t be able to commodify queer culture this year
TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year. “P…
Local teen grounds parents for sneaking out of the house
Sherbrooke, QC – Local teenager, Jeremy Powers, has grounded his parents for continuously leaving the house and not heeding Public Health’s warning to self isolate. “I’m at the end of my wi…
Staples releases limited edition homosexual agendas
CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda. “I finally feel so organized,” said Brian Rolands, 34, while running hi…
Missing: Anti-Vaxxers
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Amidst the spread of COVID-19, regularly vocal anti-vaxxers are largely missing from the global conversation surrounding the pandemic. “It’s weird,” said local systems anal…
Toronto man throws going-away party for friend moving north of Bloor
TORONTO – After nine years living in the Toronto downtown core, friends and family of Brandon Miller have thrown a going away party in advance of his packing up and moving north of Bloor St…