NEW YORK CITY – Shortly after a weekend speech dedicated to courting the African American vote, eyewitnesses have stated that Donald Trump has once again done that thing where he uses his e…
Ministry of Finance’s unpaid interns struggling to stimulate economy
OTTAWA – Unpaid interns at the Ministry of Finance say they are “at their wits’ end” on how to kickstart Canada’s stagnant economy. “We’ve tried everything,” said 26-year-old intern Derek M…
Neighbourhood one cupcake shop short of gentrification
TORONTO – Residents in a western Toronto neighbourhood had mixed reaction this week as the opening of a barre studio put the neighbourhood just one cupcake shop short of gentrification. “I …
Scientists don’t even bother to measure before declaring 2016 hottest summer ever
Asheville, N.C. – Saying it was too hot to do any work climate change researchers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have declared that they assume the summer of …
Shirtless Stephen Harper photobombs Calgary couple’s wedding, 5 dead
CALGARY – Tragedy struck a Calgary wedding yesterday evening when five people were killed and a dozen injured after former prime minister Stephen Harper decided to make a candid, topless ap…
Report: Jared Leto terrorized Suicide Squad castmates with 30 Seconds to Mars songs
HOLLYWOOD – As Warner Brothers releases its latest DC Comics blockbuster, Suicide Squad, sources have confirmed that star Jared Leto’s “acting method” involved torturing his castmates with …
Toronto police neutralize knife wielding man on bus with barrage of words
TORONTO – A tense altercation with a man brandishing a knife on a TTC bus ended in a hail of words projected by Toronto Police. “It was one sentence after another until the man couldn’t take it a…
I was the first female nominee for president way before Hillary Clinton
By: Donald Trump There’s been a lot of talk about Hillary Clinton this week, and how she’s the first ever woman to be nominated for president of the United States of America. Well I&…
Nation’s mothers still trying to remember ‘that’ actor’s name
OTTAWA – After several attempts to recall the name of a specific famous actor, Canadian mothers continue to struggle to remember whom they are talking about. “You know the guy”, said retired teac…
New baby unprepared to save marriage
MONCTON – Admitting he was woefully underqualified for the assignment, newly born child Noah Wentworth has so far failed to save the marriage of his parents, Liam and Emma. “Oh boy, no way …
